Top Chef Just Desserts
Villa Rosa

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Anyway, a Whitman's Sampler of Beverly Hills' housewives pour into the room in an ebb tide of bouffant hair, silicone, pink, and sky high heels. They are thrilled at all the pink and all the doggy touches. (One of the teams has gone so far as to recreate the beloved pup's face in frosting, and if that doesn't insure a win I don't know what will.) While the judges and Housewives take their seats, inside the kitchen, Melissa is panicking because her cannelles will not stop melting. A team member shriekingly points out that "It's not going to cannelle! Just pipe it!" which I assume is some hardcore pastry MacGuyver shit or something. Then everyone's yelling, "The cherries are down! The cherries are down!" and it feels like The Hunt for Red October and the sub is running out of air and then suddenly they are out the door and serving pink desserts to Housewives, which is probably only slightly less stressful than being on a nuclear sub with a rogue commander.

After studying the Real Housewives, Gail pushes her boobs out, flattens her hair, and introduces her tablemate: Real Housewife Kyle Richards, guest judge Hugh Acheson, guest of honor Lisa Vanderpump, Judge Johnny Iuzzine, Real Housewife Taylor Armstrong, Taylor Armstrong's lips, and Lisa's daughter, and, of course, Lisa's husband and her little dog, too. Amanda's team is going first. They wisely slather on the compliments while introducing their table setting reminding Lisa that she has impeccable taste, perfect tits, is very skinny, and has shiny hair. Lisa nods beatifically. Up first is Amanda who has made a cava gelee with a buttermilk foam and a raspberry topper. The Housewives start making fat jokes, but dive into the desserts anyway. It's their job after all. Carlos has made a guava pate de fruit cigar filled with fromage blanc. It is pink, pretty, and ripe for making lewd jokes about. Perfect for the Housewives! Katzie made a macaron with mascarpone with strawberry jam and mint in a little pipette. Melissa foolishly decides to lead with her mistake and says her white chocolate cremeux was supposed to be a canelle, but she failed miserably. Now it's a sauce with a rose gelee and a rhubarb something or other. Surprisingly everyone really likes the dish. Megan (who I have never seen in my life) made a beautifully layered almond and red velvet cake. The dog got a treat, too, which he eats right off the table because he is ILL MANNERED.

The next team is up and Sally is worried about getting her sorbet, but then she does. Phew! I can't handle the drama! I need a Xanax. Craig introduces his team and his willingness to go all out on the color palette. Seriously, it looks like Strawberry Shortcake went suicide bomber and there is pink everywhere. Sally goes first and she talks really quickly so that she can describe her dessert before it melts. It's a chocolate and raspberry tarte nouveau with a ganache and lychee sorbet and maybe a macaron, too? I can't be certain because I am distracted by the horrors of melting sorbet. Hugh Acheson can't help but mention that her sorbet is melting. What is it with this guy? Oatmeal cookies are sweet; sorbet melts. I'm changing his name to Captain Obvious. Sally grimaces in horror. Matthew introduces his white chocolate cherry and pistachio entremet. What is an entremet? I don't know, but it looks like a cake with a pyramid alongside it? Sort of looks like a Masonic Temple so it probably tastes good but has an undercurrent of dark magic. Nelson made a passionfruit cheesecake lollipop topped with cotton candy. Lisa looks doubtful that she can fit the lollipop in her mouth and even more doubtful that she should try. So she turns to Taylor because there is no doubt in anyone's mind that Taylor can shove two or three of these pink puppies in her mouth. To eliminate any doubt, the producers kindly give us a montage of Taylor sticking large pink objects in her mouth. The girl knows how to eat cotton candy, that's for sure. I hope she puts that in the skills section of her resume. Craig contributed pink lemonade with a pink cava gelee and a sugared rim. In pink, of course. It's pretty to look at, but is a bitch on the lip gloss. Don't you consider your audience at all, Craig? Do you hate people, Craig? Or just Real Housewives? Next up is Rebecca's contribution: A chocolate beet cake with orange sauce. Everyone grimaces at the description, but ends up liking the combination. The last dish of the day is also Rebecca's. It's a rhubarb rose crisp meant to remind Lisa of the desserts of her childhood. Lisa says Rebecca's crumble is her favorite dessert of the day, which makes Rebecca's self esteem rise and rise.

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Top Chef Just Desserts

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