Top Chef Masters
Blinded Me With Science

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Weird Science

Well hello there. I am filling in for Lady Lola while she is off participating in that competitive hot dog eating contest. As she temporarily passes the Top Chef Masters baton to me, I will do my best to do her proud. Or if I am really lucky, I will recap the heck out of this show and Lady Lola will be forced to cover The Voice and then she can have the weird dreams about Cee Lo not having eyes behind his glasses and actually being a baby walrus. That'll teach her to take a night off! Let's get cooking and make my dreams of usurption and acting like a scoundrel come true. Oh wait, this isn't Game of Thrones.

It only took 32 weeks of competition, but there are only five competitors left. They all eye each other warily in the Top Chef Masters-branded kitchen. I should say right now that I am 100% rooting for Naomi Pomeroy because I had one of the best meals of my life when she was at the helm of the restaurant ClarkLewis in Portland. And if I told you the list of food my dining companions and I were allergic to and that the chef (Naomi) was willing to accommodate over the course of a tasting menu, you would hate us (rightfully) and love her.

Curtis Stone and his frosted tips come into the kitchen and ask the competitors to look around the kitchen and admire all the GE Monogram appliances. Aren't they pretty? Aren't they shiny? Don't you just want to buy the entire suite (is that what you call it?) for your kitchen? I know if I had a GE Monogram stove I would love it and squeeze it and hold it and keep it and call it George. Also, I would marry it in whatever state in which it is legal. Massachusetts? Then Curtis sadly announces that they will not be using any of the shiny equipment in their challenge. [Insert Sad Trombone Sound.] The chefs all wince in unison waiting for Curtis to explain how they will be preparing the food using only their mouths. While you would not think that is possible, I have seen it done during a promotional event for the short-lived and extremely strange show Food Party. And for the record, it was disgusting and quite unsanitary and very fun to watch.

Unfortunately the chefs will not be doing something that wild, but instead will be doing what millions of Americans at truck stops, convenience stores, and in their very own kitchens do each and every night: Use the goddamn microwave. The chefs start retching, Floyd Cardoz pukes in his mouth at the very thought, Traci Des Jardins starts questioning her life choices. Hugh Acheson, of course, coughs up a folksy aphorism about having the first microwave in his small Southern town and all the local yokels would pay two bits to see the newfangled contraption. Curtis informs the chefs that they have ten minutes to whip up a delicious hot breakfast in the microwave.

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Top Chef Masters

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