Dawn breaks at Top Chef Manor, but no one can get out of bed because everyone misses Tim, who went home after boring the pants off the judges with his rustic roasted vegetables. But the game must go on, so they head to Top Chef kitchen. They are greeted by Padma and Michelle Bernstein, who may or may not be Sandra Bernhard's alter ego, but is the guest judge for today's "weird protein" quick fire. Andrea of the Ogilvy home perm and DIY hair frosting is not happy because she knows Michelle from some West Side Story-style snap fight in Miami, and they are sworn enemies. After Padma forces Michelle to swear to be fair in judging, the contestants choose their protein. The oddest option is Duck White Kidneys, which are really testicles and make the men instinctively cross their legs and giggle that Angelo picked them. Obviously, Angelo thinks the safest bet would be to make testicle marshmallows. This is exactly why I am not a top chef, nor do I aspire to be, nor do I want to eat at their restaurants. Except Kevin. No, wait, including Kevin. Fifteen minutes into the quick fire, Padma announces that this is actually Musical Chairs Wacky Protein and everyone has to take over the protein to the left. Amanda is thrilled to hand off her emu eggs to Kelly. Kevin is not so happy to inherit Angelo's duck nuts. Andrea is suffering under an onslaught of Michelle hate and can't concentrate. Andrea's darkest fears are confirmed when Michelle calls out her tough boar on national television. Andrea will have to kill her cousin and steal her boyfriend in retribution. Alex and Stephen round out the losers. Winners include Amanda, who had her way with a llama; Tamesha, who frenched a duck tongue; and Kelly, who turned an emu egg into a western omelet. Kelly took immunity, because Michelle Bernstein secretly would rather be Grand Slamming it at Denny's than scarfing down duck nuts next to a former supermodel.
Padma lays out the rules for the elimination challenge: The contestants will be divided into two teams and prepare a cold dish for the judges and their competitors to consume and ridicule. Kelly gets to mock and belittle everyone's food, since she has immunity. For some reason the thought of cold food has sent the cheftestants into paroxysms of panic that seem to result in everyone wanting to do Asian flavors. But don't worr,y they all end up feeling "very confident" and are "going for the win". The team comprised of Alex, Kevin, Amanda, Ed and Kenny go first. Obviously, no one has anything nice to say, but this does not stop them from saying a lot of things. Tom can't stand all the negativity and gives the contestants the hoary eye, verging on a stern talking-to. The contestants get to choose the best and worst dishes. Kevin's plate earns top honors from his competitors, while Kenny's convoluted plate slates him for elimination. No doubt he considers this payback for having once been a top contender. Then it is the next group's turn to face the firing squad living on their competitors' palates. Little tiny firing squad. In their mouths. Just go with it. Tiffany gets good reviews, but Stephen, Tamesha and Angelo are all big salty-yet-under-seasoned-yet-tasteless losers. But it's Tamesha's viscous scallops that take her to the bottom of the pack. To be clear: IT'S NOT TOP SCALLOP. Just remember that, future contestants.
While awaiting judgment, the cheftestants spoil the punchlines and tell each other who had the most revolting dishes that made them yearn for duck testicle marshmallows or just a plate of barf. Obviously, Kenny is shocked because everything he touches is perfection. Padma pulls Tiffany and Kevin into the judging room and announces the good news: People like them! They really like them! Kevin takes the win and also the Hilton Hotels vacation to Hawaii. Kenny and Tamesha are up for elimination, and Tamesha is also shocked. Was it the jus? Was it that she cooked scallops, when scallops are the new desserts and will totally get you kicked off? The judges are unimpressed with Kenny's claim that his competitors put him up for elimination for strategic purposes because his dish just kinda sucked. But it's Tamesha and her scallop that get sent packing. At least Angelo will still have the sexy salmon to flirt with.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Good morning, chefs! It's Week Six of the competition to see who can become America's Top Chef and then quickly sink back into obscurity. I mean, really, aside from Harold who has Perillo, what the heck are the rest of the winners doing? Are they locked in Gail's kitchen desperately trying to escape with shivs carved from the Glad Family of Products? This grim fate does not stop chefs across America from vying for the opportunity to cook scallops on national television. It's like people who play the lottery over and over again despite the fact that all lottery winners suffer horrible fates at the hands of greedy relatives, QVC, and life insurance salesman. Fact! The cheftestants struggle to get out of bed trapped under the weight of their Tim hangovers. Unbeknownst to us mere audience members, Tim was a veritable Father Figure to the contestants. Hopefully not in a George Michael kind of way. So they all have the sads now that he is gone on home to ...well, like twenty minutes from where they are in D.C., but whatever. They miss him so bad sometimes and they just have to lie down and cry some more. But duty calls and America must see who is going to win the next round of the competition! Angelo is out of bed because he wants "to focus on his food" as opposed to before when he focused on other people's foods. Probably Tim's food, which is why Tim went home, because [spoiler alert!] Angelo is a wee bit of a schemer. Andrea of the Ogilvy home perm and not-for-national-television frosting job is also in a "good place", which, of course, means she is going to get toaster caked at the first opportunity.
Off to the Top Chef kitchen in the product-placed hotel! Kevin gives us the lay of the land: Michelle Bernstein (who Top Chef keeps trying to make happen) is the guest judge and the kitchen is lined in wacky proteins. How wacky? It's a veritable house of horrors of proteins: Alligator head, llama bits, rattlesnake, yak, and emu eggs. Andrea is not at all happy to see James Beard award winning chef Michelle Bernstein as the guest judge. She puts on a serious bitch face and almost rolls her eyes. Apparently they are both women chefs in Miami and thus, biologically, cannot be friends. It's a uterus thing. Padma blithely asks Michelle if her Andrea's previous relationship will affect the judging. Michelle doesn't say no, but smiles that it is "all about the food." Once again, she does not say no. But this is entirely Andrea's fault for saying she was in a "good place" and then not knocking on wood, throwing salt over her shoulder or spinning a live chicken over her head for five minutes.
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