Top Chef
First Impressions

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Tastes Like Chicken

Insert "oohing" and "ahhing" over their well-appointed penthouse here. Okay, so there's a tub in the middle of the bathroom. Smack right between two separate sinks, a tub. Which means, if you want to take a bath, you basically are taking over the entire bathroom. I don't think it would be exactly relaxing to have fellow cheftestants constantly knocking and doing the pee-pee dance on the other side of the door, whining, "Are you dooone yet?"

That night, the cheftestants hang out, and Clay can't let go of his mongo apple mistake. Clay announces, "Hell, I'm from Mississippi, pick it up and eat that sum bitch!" I love how they felt the need to caption Clay because apparently Bravo viewers wouldn't otherwise be able to decipher his mud-thick accent. It's like when MTV captioned David's friend from Boston on Real World: Seattle. Clay tells us that the title of Top Chef would make his father very proud because he was a great chef in the restaurant business. However, Clay tells us, "It got the better of him and unfortunately he took his own life. It didn't work out for him, but it's going to work out for me." Oh dear. Between Cancer Boy and Suicided Dad, how on earth am I going to make fun of these people?

The next morning dawns bright and beautiful as the cheftestants roll out of bed and get ready for the day's Elimination Challenge. Howie tells us about The Food Gang, a restaurant he just opened in Miami. He's happy to socialize with other people, but for him, Top Chef is about the competition. So, in other words, "I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win." Again. You know, just once I would love it if a cheftestant said, "I don't give a shit about the competition. I'm just here to meet people and laugh and love and, you know, generally hang out." ["I believe we called him 'Michael' last season." -- Joe R] It would be a refreshing change. Hung, who was probably asked the same question as Howie about making friends, puts it this way, "Everyone tells me where they work, where they're from, where they grew up, where they traveled, but you know what? I don't give a shit!" Well, allrighty then! Hung goes on, "The minute you pick up that knife, the way you talk, the way you walk toward an ingredient -- I know exactly where you stand." Okay, now THAT is interesting. I wonder how I walk toward my tomatoes and if it's any different from how I walk toward, say, lamb chops. Maybe I should start taping myself and analyze it. I'm sorta thinking Hung's full of crap.

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Top Chef

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