Top Chef
Food Of Love

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Keckler: C- | Grade It Now!
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Bye Bye, Turdie
Madame S goes around and tastes everyone's desserts. Both Brian and Tiffani are confident with their showing. Dave is not. Madame S eats something of Dave's and when she walks away, Dave asks, "Do you want to finish it?" She doesn't. Poor crying Dave. Stephen greets Madame S with a "Hey, babe." Shut up, Stephen. Madame S tells Stephen she loves the way his dish explodes in her mouth. "In a nutshell, I had the best presentation and the best dish of the lot," Stephen tells us. FISHHOOK! FISHHOOK! FISHHOOOOOOOK!

Madame S feeds Stephen his own orgasm and I swear to God, it looks like he's going to hurl. He later feverishly drinks some white wine to wash away the girl cooties. Miguel steps up his game; he tells Madame S he would love to serve her. He feeds her his wares and then he literally kisses her ass. And spanks her. Miguel doesn't think the other chefs knew how to serve sex: "This clientele was looking for sex, like hot, raunchy sex." We cut to Lee Anne eating one of Tiffani's cookies off some bare-chested guy's neck. Next, the guy dribbles something white into Lee Anne's mouth and she arches her back, opens wide, and takes it down. The Bot, on the other hand, is fed by Falkner from the same squeeze bottle, but she tips her head back delicately and barely opens her mouth. Poor Billy Joel. More sexiness -- all with that same squeeze bottle, it seems. Finally the party's over.

Judge's Table. Falkner was disappointed in how a lot of the desserts tasted. The Bot nods. Gail adds that where they might have fallen short on taste, they also fell short on sexiness: "I heard a lot of excuses for why certain people chose to make certain desserts and even if it wasn't perfect, I want you to sell it to me. I want you to make it sexy or I don't want to taste it." That's true, you should never apologize for anything you make. My chefs and mother-in-law taught me that. The Bot drones that Madame S was the customer and therefore she's the one who must ultimately decide the winner. Madame S saunters in and says that for the concept, Tiffani was one of her favorites. "Unfortunately, the cookie tasted horrible!" Interesting. And unfortunate. We cut to Tiffani in Mr. S's changing room. Did I mention that her wifebeater is over a black bra? Trashy is not sexy, Tiff. Madame S ultimately chooses Brian, Stephen, and Miguel for her top three. And then she says that Stephen is "very handsome." No, he isn't! He looks like a garlic bulb! And he doesn't have a neck! The whole garlic bulb thing is Puds38's ™, by the way. Most excellent avatar and hysterical mental image. Madame S prefaces her final choices by saying there's nothing sexy about Miguel himself, but his dish was really tasty. Plus, she liked his personality, he was funny and charming. Madame S also thought Brian was sweet and accommodating, she liked the varying textures in his dish, and she found him sexy. Brian, Miguel, and Stephen are called back to the Judges' Table. I don't know how he does it, but Stephen manages to smarm as he walks. Harold tells us that wasn't impressed by Stephen or Brian and he actually thought Tiffani should have been in the top three based on her interaction at the party. We cut to Tiffani in Mr. S's dressing room, flapping her hands and saying, "Is all I'm saying." We don't know what "all" is she is saying, but we can assume it's bitchy by the "Oookay!" look on Candice's raised-eyebrow face. Also, when someone finishes with "is all I'm saying," it's so clearly NOT all they're saying.

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