Top Chef
Food Of Love

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Bye Bye, Turdie
In the house, the chefs discuss what is sexy. Someone -- I think it's Dave -- says he's going to make a bunch of little hair pies. Miguel demands to know what a hair pie is. I'm so not explaining that one to him. Miguel suggests that all the guys could carry him in. What, like he's the dessert? I'd rather a hair pie. "Enough, enough, enough, enough," Stephen pleads. He's totally asexual.

The next day, they go to a restaurant supply store called Economy. It's a totally awesome place. While shooting one of the Williams-Sonoma books, we broke our coffee carafe and they had an exact replacement the same day, thank god. Without coffee, that set would have been a crime scene. I also got the best tartlet pans and a handy muddler for myself. The chef-testants are there to pick out supplies for their sexy foods. They all look at stuff. Brian's nervous about his chances since he didn't do well in the Quickfire. Cynthia's swearing as she looks at bowls. Stephen sits and writes stuff down. He asks Miguel if he's doing tapioca as well because it's his favorite. Miguel says it's his favorite, too. Stephen says, "Mine's gonna be better anyway, but I don't want to look like an idiot." Dude, several suits and countless ties too late for that. Miguel says, "I love you, dawg." Stephen returns, "Schmuck," and they knock knuckles.

Top Chef kitchen. The chefs prep. Harold plays around with caramelized banana tarts and tastes Lee Anne's sauce. You know what someone should do? It's totally obvious and state fair-ish, but frozen bananas. Come on -- you dip them in chocolate, roll them in nuts, and stuff a stick up them. The guests can then lick off the nuts, suck off the chocolate, and deep throat them. It's provocative but also playful and childish. Lee Anne has decided that food is sexy and Asian is sexy, so she's making dim sum petit fours instead of penis cookies or tittie tarts. Aw, not one Jelly Dong or Cream-Filled Tall Texan? Miguel is working on his cream puffs for his "Tarts and Tits." He's also making cold drinking chocolate with hot whipped cream (not sure how whipped cream can be hot and still work, but what the hell do I know?) and mango pillows filled with tapioca. Miguel tells the camera he was a pastry cook for a year, so he has some idea of what he's doing. Miguel says to Andrea, "That would be funny if there were some porn stars there, what do you think?" Andrea thinks she would have to go home. Oh, Andrea, I'm sure there would be some who share your scatological obsessions. Andrea's making "Creamy Balls and Crunchy Nuts," which are creamy peanut butter balls and crunchy nuts. She thinks it's fun and playful, which, for her, is "so sexy." Lisa's making "Naughty Nuts." It's a pecan tartlet with Grand Marnier cream.

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Top Chef

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