Dude. Man, I just…dude. This episode started off in the normal way -- the long, involved Quickfire that, come to think of it, isn't really so long and involved, it just feels that way when I recap it -- but it ended with tears, screams, and potentially racial epithets, which weren't exactly Michael Richards but still sort of shocking. Of course, given that it was Mia spewing them, they probably weren't racist, they just sounded really bad, and I'm not even completely sure I know what they mean.

Regroup. Tonight's Quickfire appears to be sponsored by Bailey's, for which the cheftestants have to create "original" Bailey's cocktails and an accompanying snack. Mia and Betty end up on the bottom, Mia for her pedestrian glassing of her cocktail (do you think I can use that word? The mixologist's answer to "plating"?) and Betty for curdling the dairy in hers. It really did look chunky enough to make anyone blow, well, chunks. Methinks the cream could hear Betty's voice and acted accordingly. Sam and Michael make it into the top three, but Cliff wins the Quickfire with a tasty combo of beef, nutmeg, and dark chocolate (that's the snack, not the drink. Although…) and a nice glass of Bailey's, rum, vodka, and vanilla bean.

The Elimination Challenge has the cheftestants dividing into two teams (again) and catering a Hollywood event for two hundred people. The teams take totally opposite approaches, with one team making about thirteen hors d'oeuvres and the other banging out about four. Team Famine can't keep food on the table, but when they do, it appears to taste above average. Team Feast keeps their table groaning but maybe fell short of truly excellent food. However, Team Feast wins, and since Son of Sam emerged as the team leader (something that Marcel bitchily, BITCHILY tries to override), he's the ultimate winner and gets to take home a big ol' basket of Global knives as a door prize.

Team Famine is brought before the judges, and since Cliff got immunity, he's safe. Elia, Mia, and Michael are on the butcher's block. Elia was the team leader, so she's in serious jeopardy for not bringing her team together. Cliff, however, refuses to let this happen and throws Mia under Top Chef's popular, proverbial, and increasingly bloodthirsty bus. At this, Mia lets loose with all sorts of name-calling. She tells him to put his dick away. She tells him she "doesn't give a black bone"! I have no idea what that means, but it sounds really, really bad. She completely and entirely loses it. In the back, during deliberation, Mia keeps losing it, talking about how she's the only one in her family to make it and how she once sold crack on the street to feed her family. In the middle of this -- which is making Elia cry and Betty eye-bug more than usual -- Cliff tells Mia to stop being a martyr. DAMN!

In front of the judges, Padmadala is JUST about to announce their decision when Mia dramatically stops them and says she can't let Elia go home (it's not at all clear Elia was the one they were sending home, by the way) so she's going home herself. After some back and forth about Colicchio refusing to believe Mia's a quitter, the judges accept Mia's tear-stained culinary suicide.

In the back, Mia tells everyone that she did it all for the love of Elia. I'm emotionally drained, but I'm not telling you whether it's from laughing or crying.