Top Chef
Holiday Spirit

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Mia the Martyr

Ted Ilan made a cocktail with Bailey's, Guinness-whipped egg whites, and scotch. His snack is a maztoh pancake topped with horseradish, beets, and a pan-fried egg yolk. Mixologist eats without giving an opinion. Mia presents her cocktail that she has named, "Chocolate Mama." Because... that's what she is? It's chocolate-mint Baileys, Crown Royal, and orange juice. NASTY! Chocolate-mint and orange juice? Could she have made a drink that tastes more like shaken-not-stirred sick? I guess the Chocolate Mama saves you the trouble of getting drunk, having head spins, and hurling all night. It just does an end run and takes you straight to the vomit. I'm doing a full-body shudder over here. Mia's snack is a Danish apple crisp topped with limp slaps of grilled mango and Brie. "It's a pretty basic presentation for your drink," Mixologist says. Mia's drink is in a water glass, filled halfway with the Sick, and garnished with an orange slice. Going from nausea to nirvana, we see that Elia has made a caramel Baileys cappuccino with ginger and a chocolate and caramelized nut petit fours (small fancy cakes or cookies).

Oh, but don't put away your Pepto quite yet, because we need to see what Betty's been up to. Batting her huge eyes and flapping her even huger teeth, she tells Mixologist, "I took the Parrot Bay Rum and I mixed it with fresh lime and sugar and then I did a float with heavy cream, caramel Baileys, and some cinnamon." GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSS! Okay, like Malibu Rum, Parrot Bay is coconut flavored, so if she had only left out the disgusting lime juice, she would have had a flavor profile of coconut, cream, caramel, and cinnamon, which wouldn't have been bad at all. It might even have been quite tasty, even if it was a Betty creation. But why she felt the need to tart the thing up with acidic lime juice is beyond me. I think this proves Betty is truly insane, because even if she could cry ignorance about how cream and lime juice might react -- and no one that stupid should be allowed to own a restaurant -- what on God's green ass made her think that lime juice, cinnamon, and caramel Baileys was EVER going to taste good? The fact that she's not a bartender or maybe not even someone who drinks very much, that's not the issue here. The issue is that someone who is supposedly a chef thought the combination of those ingredients would not be making people heave early and often. I mean, the drink has this... scum floating on its surface, because the lime juice has definitely done its job to the cream. Or Betty's voice did. Should I even bother mentioning that Betty's snack is Parrot Bay-marinated seared scallops? The scallop is skewered on a cinnamon stick, which again, is very bizarre. And gross. And vomitous. Mixologist is awesome in the face of Betty's Vomit on the Beach, "I gotta tell you, I'm a little afraid to taste this cocktail because the cream and the lime juice made a curdled crust on top." "Oh," Betty says expressively. Because she WAS ONCE AN ACTRESS. "I mean maybe it tastes good but," Mixologist says, lifting a spoonful to her mouth, "But it doesn't." Cue Betty's face avalanching. "Okay," she says and then stagily makes a big "oops" face for the benefit of the hungry cameras. In her Chow interview, Mia called what was floating on Betty's drink "a raft." As in, what is used to clarify consommé from impurities.

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