Top Chef
Jalapeno Business

Episode Report Card
Kim: B | 1 USERS: A
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Going in Circles

Sheldon and Josh are doing a tempura dessert with different flavored dipping sauces. Josh has seriously never heard of tempura, I guess? He's shocked that it's like pancake batter. Stefan interviews that he can't believe Micah is making a jalapeno popper, basically, and explains that since their skater is Eddie Shredder, they are making a chicken that got shredded and turned inside out, with corn, eggs, chicken liver, and some other bullshit. But I don't think there's any actual chicken. Stefan and Kristen flirt over how old he is. Turns out he's the same age as me. Wow.

As time runs down, Bart gives Josie a taste of his rice and asks if it needs more seasoning. She nods and then says it needs a lot more, but she's busy chopping something so she leaves it up to him. Everyone makes their final preparations and plates their food as time runs out.

The rink fills up with people on roller skates, and it really makes me want to strap on my skates and skate around in my friend's basement. We used to belt out, "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester. Baby cried the day the circus came to town, y'all. Anyway, the judges walk in (not on skates BOO) and it's Emeril, Padma, Hugh, and Tom. I'm always disappointed when Gail's not there. Emeril talks about how he used to go the roller derby growing up, and Padma says she used to frequent the roller rink. Hugh busts out a line he's clearly been planning for a while: her derby name would be Padma Smacks Me. Anyway, it's time to eat.

The judges stop by Brooke and John's table first. Their skater was Cutta Rump, and they made Thai beef with lobster jasmine rice and Thai slaw. Padma likes the smell, and Hugh says that the flavors build well, and the lime in the slaw adds nice acid.

Next up are Bart and Josie with their skater Teriyaki Terror. They made steak teriyaki with forbidden rice, beet blood, and green papaya salad. The rice and beet blood are served in a cup (they're supposed to be the terror) so it kind of looks like a cup of blood. Lumpy blood. Which is pretty terrifying. Teriyaki tastes it and says that the taste is "unique," and Hugh asks if she means unique good or unique crappy. She's too nice to say, but she clearly means unique crappy. Tom takes issue with the way that the steak was cooked. Padma likes the idea of the blood red rice, but thinks the rice is overcooked and underseasoned, and Tom agrees. Ouch.

Hugh still wants to talk about derby names, even though everyone else seems to be over it. He suggests Emeril "Roux the Day" Lagasse, but Emeril prefers the simpler "Bam Bam."

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