Top Chef
Napa's Finest

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Truffle Pigs

Harold tells us, "When I saw the wine and truffles, I thought, 'This is why I'm here. This is why I got involved in this competition.'" About bloody time, Harold! Bot tells them they will prepare dishes with "one of the most expensive ingredients money can buy," to pair with "one of the most sought-after wines money can't buy." Additionally, they will be cooking in Napa, "the epicenter of gourmet food and wine." Whatthefuckever. Napa? Blows. Healdsburg? Now that's where the foodies and winos go. That's where the real shit does down. Aside from a precious few restaurants, Napa is for tourists. They're going to be cooking at Copia for "some of the best chefs in Napa Valley." Thomas Keller? Needless to say, they will be under some tough scrutiny. Tiffani bootlicks for us. I choose not to listen.

The judges leave the truffles and wine behind and wish them luck. The cheftestants start sniffing the truffles (Lick it. LICK IT!) and sampling the wine. "It's beautiful. It's got nice legs," Tiffani says. Shut it. I don't know why that particular comment pissed me off, but it did. It's like saying, "This Recchiuti chocolate is nice. It's rich." The cheftestants go to bed.

Next morning, Harold confesses that he's feeling pretty sick. Dave tells us he needs to lighten up on himself and concentrate on cooking. "My food is so great and I don't get the sense that -- unless something drastic happens -- I'm going home," Tiffani parses confusingly for us. They drive to Napa. The vines are bleeding red and the trees are golden and dropping.

The cheftestants shop at the Sunshine Market. Lee Anne, Tiffani, and Harold all grab lamb. Oh, dear. Well, for me -- lamb lubber that I am -- this would be most excellent, but the pristine chefs will tire of it after the second lamb dish. Dave realizes he can't do lamb and grabs beef instead. He's also planning a mac and cheese. Harold now wishes he had chosen a vegetarian option.

The cheftestants file into Julia's Kitchen at Copia (yes, that Julia) and look around. Tiffani pontificates about Julia, who she was and what she did, and I just want to punch her really hard. Lee Anne says, "I got to meet Julia before she died." "Imetheroncetoo," Tiffani says really quickly. HATE.

The cheftestants prep. Harold's hurting, Tiffani's bragging, Lee Anne's explaining, Dave's swearing. Lee Anne sings out Dave's name and asks if he can get a pan down. Tiffani makes her tight bitchface, cocks her head, and asks, "Can you just be a little quieter?" Because they're in a library, not a professional kitchen. Tiffani explains to us, "I like a quiet kitchen -- it's not a time to mess around. I have a good time when I'm cooking, but my joy comes through the food and the work and the process of what I'm doing." Dave tells us that they "aren't saving lives." Seriously. Although you would do well to remember that next time you break down and cry a river of dreams in the middle of the competition. Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer. He sniffs, he sneers. When Colicchio finds out three of the cheftestants are doing lamb, he tells us, "I'm a little, kinda, perplexed as to why that happened, but they're going to have to live with that choice." Well, actually, you're going to have to live with it because you have to eat that choice. As to how it happened? They don't talk to each other, and it's a big-assed red wine. Go figure.

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