Top Chef
Season 1 Restaurant Wars

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I'm Not Your Bitch, Bitch

Lee Anne continues to freak out because Stephen is not there running the food. Stephen announces, "The judges have sat." Ineffectual idiot. Chodorow brags that he just got back from Spain, so this meal will be an extension of his trip. Stephen babbles at the judges about his wine wares. Stephen tells us, "I understand that some of the courses were a bit delayed and it was a little frustrating for me, but I was completely composed in the dining room and no one even saw a trickle of sweat on my forehead." Well, goody for you but you're the reason why the FUCKING COURSES WERE DELAYED! Colicchio pointedly asks who scaled the fish. Apparently, he found a scale. He picks around his fish. See, this is why I think it's a conflict of interest for him to be doing the Tim Gunn thing as well as the judge thing. During his Sniff 'n' Sneer, he could have seen and noted that the fish wasn't scaled yet -- we just don't know. Stephen relays the bad news to the kitchen. Swearing all around. Out in the dining room, the Katie Leebot FINALLY exhibits her first sign of being an actual judge. She thinks that Stephen's whole "educate the guests" about wine thing comes off as arrogant and condescending. Colicchio shrugs, "He's young." They move over to American Workshop. Dave thinks the judges really responded to their food. I love that American Workshop served the roast chicken on sienna-colored terra cotta plates -- it's very warming. Chodorow thinks Sabor took more risks but says American Workshop is "comfort food done really well." Dave and Stephen encourage the diners to rate the restaurants. No way to tell who is going to win based on the guests' comments to the camera, but we already know they played loser music for Sabor in the ramp-up. However, Stephen is confident that they won.

The judges do their pointless chatter. They have critiques for both concepts but restate that the diners are the people who determined the winning team. American Workshop is summoned to the judges' table. As the team leaves, Miguel wonders, "You think they're reversing it?" Stephen opines, "If it is the way it should be? Yes, hands down. Anybody can do that stuff -- roasted chicken? I mean, come on. I wouldn't sweat it, man. Our food was fly." Yes, the garlic bulb said "fly," and if that's not the sign of Sabor's impending doom, I don't know what is. Katie Leebot congratulates them. Tiffani and Dave dramatically express relief. Harold just sits there, pleased. With his pencil behind his ear. Their customer satisfaction was 26/30. They slap hands. The diners thought the food was great, they loved Dave, and they really liked the family style serving. They just have to decide who is going to Cannes. Chodorow invites each of them to explain why they are Cannes-worthy. Tiffani starts, "American Workshop? Is a restaurant name? That has been in my heart and my head. For over five years. And I gave it up to all this -- to do well tonight." You know, I just hate her so much. Tiffani goes on that the vegetables were her idea, the jus was Harold's. "Could I do a jus like that? Sure," Tiffani smugs. Harold just seems amused by her preening. But Tiffani's not finished, "Dave rocked the front of the house, but could I have done the same thing? Yes." No fucking way. Her patter is so forced and fake and annoying and stupid and big face and bitch and HATE! The Katie Leebot notes, "Dave, I see you shaking your head over there." Dave says he brings integrity to everything he does, "I was running the front of the house and really making everything a pleasure -- that was where I excelled in this challenge." Dave says that Tiffani had "a vision" and it was great but you can't be everything in a team of three. Tiffani starts to interrupt him. Dave says, "It's my turn to talk, okay?" Tiffani makes an elaborate, "Sor-RY!" face. Hate her so. "I've heard you talk for the last twenty-four hours, about you, about your ideas, about duh-duh-duh!" Tiffani AGAIN tries to interrupt. Dave holds up a hand to her face, "So, let's just, let's just bup -- let's zip it!" "Okay," Tiffani smiles AND STILL TRIES TO INTERRUPT! "When you talked, you talked, so let me talk!" Dave tells her. TIFFANI IS STILL TALKING! She manages to get in, "I also didn't bash you." Dave explodes, "You've been bashing me for the last twenty-four hours: 'Don't touch that!' 'Don't touch that!' 'Don't touch that!' It's like --" Tiffani wonders when she ever said that to him. Dude, when DIDN'T you say that to him? "Every TIME -- I'm not your bitch, bitch!" And there it is. Tiffani is all "wow." Whatever, she's been called worse in kitchens, because that's how kitchens are, whether you're male, female, bi, trans, whatever -- so don't go pearl-clutching now. I'm sure she's given as good as she's gotten, too. Dave goes off on Tiffani, saying he treats him like shit. Tiffani keeps saying "wow." Shut up, Tiffani. It's now Harold's turn to say his piece. He doesn't think he should go to Cannes. He shrugs, "All I did was, I was in the kitchen, we were cooking together, it was like another day in the office." And that is precisely why Harold is loved by millions. In terms of personality, he's a cook, not a chef. There's a huge difference. Chodorow asks Harold who should go to Cannes. Harold says -- and I'm transcribing it because in the final episode, I will rain hell upon Tiffani for what she says to Harold -- "Working next to Tiffani was fantastic. Every once in awhile you will cook with someone that you feel so comfortable cooking next to, like you've been working together for ten years. And that's how I felt working with Tiffani. But I mean, Dave would definitely have to be my choice." Harold goes on -- in his laid-back-in-his-chair way -- that Dave was put under tremendous pressure to make it all happen with minimal time. Chodorow says that he'd like to take both Tiffani and Dave but says they won because of service and that was all Dave. Dave "lit up the room." Amazingly, Dave doesn't cry!

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