Top Chef
Sense And Sensuality

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Scalps and Scallops

I'm done. No, no -- I'm serious, I'm just done. I've had it with this show and more than that, I don't even care who wins. When it comes right down to it, I pretty much dislike all of them: Sam, Cliff, and Ted Ilan are asses, Elia is dead to me after her inactivity this week, and while I don't despise Marcel the way I despise those who bullied him, I don't think he should win just because he was bullied. In my eyes, his food hasn't been impressive or strong enough to make him a Top Chef. Also, Marcel isn't as annoying and supercilious as Stephen nor as bitchy as Tiffani, but he's had his own dick moments as well. So who should win? Lee Anne from last year. Dave from last year. Tiffani from last year. ANYONE except these reality show jokes. Based solely on technical skill and execution, Sam is the clear winner. However, I don't believe Bravo will let the same chef-type win two years in a row. They have a reputation to uphold and can't allow people to go around saying that they only let "attractive" white male executive chefs from New York win. They might then have a problem with viewership and future applicants. So, yeah, whatever Bravo -- you lost me on this season. Two more episodes left and the only reason I will watch is because I'm getting paid.

Let's discuss this episode's dopey Jane Austenian title. Blackadder can do it, and did it, and I love them for it, but there's something bothersome about Bravo doing it for this particular show. Maybe it's just this particular episode that makes me dislike it. I don't know, I just have this vision of the annoying and overexposed Andy Cohen doing a pee-pee dance over their "originality." Besides, Mr. Darcy would so beat Cliff, Sam, Ted Ilan, and Elia's asses. And his only weapon would be a withering look.

Last time, Marcel had been bullied forever. The cheftestants wake up, and Son of Sam tells us, "I need this win. I'm gonna do what it takes. I would never step on anybody to get there [Except those people you accused of using illicit olive oil in Camp Glucoyapi?] but I know how to cook and I'm gonna cook my way to the top." And bully your way to the top. Dick. Elia also expresses her desire to go to Hawaii. Shut up, Elia. Ted Ilan -- from the bed next to Elia's -- claps that they are almost there. Ted Ilan tells us, "Last night I moved into Elia's room because she felt lonely. My new roommate is a lot, a lot sweeter, a lot nicer than Marcel." Yeah, it's amazing how unsweet someone gets when you have him held down while trying to shave his head. Oh, right, we aren't there yet.

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Top Chef

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