Top Chef
Sense And Sensuality

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Scalps and Scallops

The dessert is well received. Colicchio admits, "It was good, but I'm reading the menu and... " and guess what? He wants to know where his chocolate heart is because the menu says it's there and he feels gypped. By the way, Elia's dessert is paired with a Santa Barbara Winery Zinfandel "Essence" from the Santa Ynez Valley. What the heck is a wine "essence"? It sounds on par with air, foams, and smokes, but I guess it's supposed to be a dessert wine. In the back, Elia continues to bitch. God, enough already, Elia! You already paired your whine, so shut up! Drunkenly, Ted Ilan tells her, "Elia! You're CRAZY!"

Back in the dining room. Gail is saying that it's the best food they've seen so far. "I didn't get the romance," Colicchio shrugs squintingly. Padmadala insists that the dessert was very romantic. Ripert says, using his hands to help his English, "The scallop had a very feminine... I found it very romantic." Okay, so maybe those hands weren't to help his English. They were explaining a cup size. Basically, I think Colicchio is trying to bring all the other judges all down.

The cheftestants take turns talking to us about their chances to go to Hawaii, but none of it is very interesting or pertinent. Ted Ilan tells us that as it was their last challenge before Hawaii, they asked to borrow a camera. Yeah, but why? Because they already had a plan that would be worth filming? I think it's such an odd request. "Oh, we just want to cut loose and relax and since we don't have enough cameras in our faces all the livelong day, we want another one." I don't buy it. Ted Ilan says, "We're sort of loopy and excited and... " And drunk, and mobbish, and assholes. Ted Ilan says they realized they needed to "get some drinks in [their] bodies, tout suite" even though we saw him half-drunkenly counseling Elia with a glass of wine in hand the restaurant. In the dark of the loft, Cliff pulls a beer from near the sleeping figure of Marcel and says, "We're taping and I'm drinking a beer." Wanna cookie?

Ted Ilan continues his narration and tells us that Elia has always wanted to shave her head. It will become pretty clear in a moment that at this point, Marcel has already been attacked by Cliff, yet Elia, Sam, Ted Ilan, and Cliff are going on their merry way to having a high old time in shaving Elia and Ted Ilan's heads. What twunts. Anyway, there's a lot of stupid drunken laughter about Elia shaving her head, so Ted Ilan -- no doubt to get some of the attention as well -- announces that if she does it, he will do it as well. However, so eager is he to be the center of all things that he shaves his head first. Next, Elia shaves her head. Son of Sam and Cliff exclaim variously over this amazing feat, like any of us really give a fart. I guess Sam wusses out on the head shaving. According to Ted Ilan, that is, because we never heard Son of Sam saying he would give up his grease-saturated sumotori topknot for anything. During one of her interviews with the camera, in a moment that called back all sorts of Melrose Place Campus Club memories for the Evil Dr. Mathra, Elia pulls of that red headband and weird attached mop of Soul-Glo'd curls and exposes her bald head. Too bad she isn't also sporting an angry red jagged skull scar. Elia laughs joyfully at the camera and rubs her new Sinead. After she is fully bald, Elia says, "I just want to see tomorrow all of us with our hair like this [Except wussy-man Sam I Am] and Marcel --" Here is where she makes a buck-toothed cartoonish face and motions an elaborate hair coif with her hands while making dorky noises. Bitch. This is after -- AFTER! -- they allowed Cliff to attack Marcel and this is how she acts? HATE!

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