Top Chef
Snacks On A Plane

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Keckler: B- | Grade It Now!
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Chopping Broccolini

The cheftestants make their way to the back, where MALARKEY! is playing with a chair and muttering, "Good days and bad days on Top Chef." CJ wonders how Bourdain's going to be. "Oh, god -- evil," Sara predicts. Casey arrives to announce her glory and as the three boys -- Dale, Brian, and CJ -- hug her, I note that CJ is the only one to kiss her on the cheek. Hmm. I've always wondered if something could have gone on between those two. I also always thought it was more Casey than CJ, but I guess we'll never know. Casey stands in front of everyone. "And now for some bad news," CJ says. Casey pauses dramatically and comments, "I've never had to do this, um…they need to see everybody [else], I guess." Dale and Casey hug CJ and Brian sympathetically before the two of them and Sara face the judges. Hung, I note, gives Sara a hug and a kiss.

Sara is the first target, and she admits to some cooking inconsistencies with her salmon; however, she really liked her leek fondue. Bourdain comes down on her for the overcooked salmon: "We're talking cat food territory -- that dry." I don't think he knows anything about cat food, because it's anything but dry. In fact, it's disgustingly, horribly wet and gelatinous. Oh, but I forgot, he wouldn't know because only crazy women have cats in Bourdain's world. And if they have one cat, they have a hundred. Padma then comes down on Sara for her flavorless couscous, before turning to CJ. "I don't think mine went very well," CJ admits. "Yeah," Padma retorts, totally in an "Um? Yeah!" tone. "Thank you," CJ responds. Colicchio laughs that CJ's not going to get an argument from them on that score. CJ lists what went wrong -- execution, not enough color on the fish -- and says he didn't do enough Broccolini. Colicchio cannot remain silent on this one and boggles that CJ wanted to do more Broccolini. CJ amends, "I think I needed to do more Broccolini and not cook it as far." Bourdain tells CJ he made a bad decision by even choosing to cook Broccolini in that way, and compounded that bad decision by serving it after he saw what it looked like coming out of the oven. "It was horrifying," Bourdain goes on, "unimaginable that that could be served in any customer situation." Well, imagine this, Bourdain; CJ was forced to serve that Broccolini by the producers and you know it. Bourdain, as usual, oversells his insults to the point of making them ridiculous and easily argued against: "In prison you couldn't serve it, it was wretched." I guess this newfound expertise means we can expect Anthony Bourdain: No Commutations on a Travel Channel near us. CJ blinks but tells Colicchio he doesn't think this is the dish to send him home. However, he is worried. Padma asks Brian why he thinks he's there. "I WOULD SAY THAT MAYBE THE PORTION WAS OVERWHELMING," MALARKEY! steps in to bellow. Colicchio notes that Brian is surprised to be there. "I'm very surprised I'm here, yes," Brian says, in a much more muted tone than MALARKEY! "You're here because that hash was disgusting," Colicchio says, relishing giving him the pure truth. "Really," Brian says, unconvinced. "It was gross," Colicchio assures him. "The lobster had the texture of doll head," Bourdain explains. They're just Mean Boys. However, the image of Bourdain with a mouthful of doll head is pretty hysterical, if not totally disturbing. He must have had doll head on a stick when flying coach on Air Cambodia. Colicchio muffles a giggle as Bourdain lectures Brian on frozen lobster tail. MALARKEY! steps back in: "I KNOW, EVERY TIME I DO LOBSTER I GET BEAT DOWN FOR IT. I LAID OFF FRIED FOOD FOR AWHILE [Padma laughs] AND I DID ALL RIGHT. I'M DONE WITH LOBSTER, GUYS, I'M DONE WITH LOBSTER, ALL RIGHT?" Congressman Continental says that the surf 'n' turf idea was a good one, but it just wasn't well-executed. Colicchio wonders if this is the dish to send Brian home. "NO!" MALARKEY! barks before a Brian change-over to Bryan lowers his voice again: "This is not the dish to send me home, and I'm tired of seeing you guys in these circumstances." He laughs manically to himself and looks down, twitching his head. That was…active. Bourdain smiles at the camera and, man, he's got a bad set of choppers! The cheftestants sweat it out in the back some more while the judges rehash the trash.

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