Top Chef
Superbowl Chef Showdown

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Keep It Simple, Stupid

Round two is Seattle Seahawks: Hosea vs. Miguel. Miguel seems to think he's auditioning for a cooking show as he talks about his food to Padma and the crowd while Hosea concentrates on his food. Hosea interviews that he thinks Miguel is trying to do too much, and Hosea's trying to make a roll that has a piece of medium-rare fish inside, which is difficult. There's some trash talking back and forth, which Hosea definitely wins. Miguel prepared cedar plank salmon with noodles and mushrooms. Hosea prepared a crispy salmon roll with a ginger-blackberry sauce and a sesame-apple salad. Padma, Toby, and Scott choose Hosea while Colicchio chooses Miguel. Is he being contrary or does he pity Miguel? Hosea gets seven points from the judges. And then four out of the five students prefer Hosea, so he gets the three points as well. Score: Home Team has 17 and Visitors have 3.

After an interlude where Josie and Andrew are messing with a live crayfish, round three begins, and it's New Orleans Saints: Carla vs. Andrew. Carla interviews that both Leah and Hosea have won their rounds, so she's feeling the pressure. Andrew immediately starts talking to the crowd with what I assume is supposed to be a Louisiana accent, but it's terrible. I don't have much patience for his antics. Unlike Fabio, who is funny but not a try-hard, Andrew tries too hard and it's just annoying. Carla admits in an interview that she knows nothing about football, but her husband and stepson are fans. Carla tells Padma that she's dicing her peppers quickly, but also putting the love in. Wasn't she allowed to pre-dice her peppers? Maybe she didn't want to, so they'd be super fresh? Who knows? Andrew prepared a crayfish crudo with spicy lime vinaigrette. He explained earlier that crudo means raw. Carla prepared a crawfish (not sure why they spelled it differently for her dish) and andouille gumbo over stone-ground grits. Padma pornily sucks the meat out of the crawfish. All four judges vote for Carla and her facial reactions are priceless, as she earns seven points. Unfortunately, only one out of the five panelists chose her dish, so Andrew gets three there. Score: Home Team has 24 and Visitors have 6.

Round four is Dallas Cowboys: Stefan vs. Andrea. He gives her a kiss on the cheek before they start. Stefan is confident that he will win with his duo of meat salads. Andrea is doing Tex-Mex and says that she's spicing it up because she likes her food like she likes her men. In an interview, Stefan says, "Andrea. I'm in love with you. Call me." I think I'm developing a crush on Stefan. He's such a jerk! But his sense of humor is so dry, and that gets me every time. Plus he has a nice smile. Whatever, it's not like I'll ever meet him, plus I'm married, so let me have this. Andrea prepared Tex-Mex chili with fried corn chips and guacamole coleslaw. I kind of want to eat that right now. I really have to stop writing these at meal times. Stefan made two salads: roast pork with pinto bean coleslaw and New York steak with a corn salad. Padma and Toby choose Andrea while Scott and Colicchio choose Stefan. Now what happens? Dance-off? Way to have an even number of judges in a head-to-head challenge, producers. Padma explains that the panel will award all ten points, and the panel unanimously votes for Andrea. That is some kind of bullshit, especially if Stefan gets eliminated. In an interview, Stefan looks chagrined and hisses, "SSShhhhhhhhhhhit stick!" I told you there would be a callback. Stefan goes backstage and has to tell his teammates that Andrea earned all ten points. No one believes him, which is kind of hilarious. Stefan interviews that he got "beat by the fucking nuts and grains and grass girl." Hosea is not unhappy about this turn of events, mostly because Stefan likes to sit around and tell stories about how he won each challenge. That reminds me of my brother-in-law, who will soundly beat me in cards and then, hours later, want to go over, play by play, how he did it. No, thank you. Over in his area, Andrew puts on a German accent and makes fun of Stefan, even though he's not German. Try-hard. Score: Home Team still has 24 and Visitors have 16.

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Top Chef

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