As Stephanie (wearing black paint under her eyes while she serves) expresses excitement that they're cooking for -- and being judged by -- the masses of fans who've come to party (with plenty of extremely flattering shots of people stuffing their faces), the judges begin their station visits with her grilled pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and a rosemary vinaigrette (a sort of "mayo-ey stuff," according to Kahan, that she's squeezing from a bottle). Colicchio thinks the pork is cooked well, and a smattering of fans second his praise.

Dale, serving ribs, gets excited when he spots Gale Sayers, "probably one of the best running backs ever." Gale likes Dale -- or at least his ribs. Sorry, I couldn't resist -- these things get long. Richard Dent and William "The Refrigerator" Perry (of whom I have actually heard!) also show up for some ribs, and now I have Chris Rock from I'm Gonna Git You Sucka stuck in my head. "How much for a rib?" As the judges arrive, we learn that the ribs are baby back, baby back, baby back, marinated in tandoori, and served with a raisin, mango, and potato salad. Interesting flavor choices -- it sounds like a nice combo of spicy and sweet. Judges and fans alike enjoy Dale's ribs.

Spike, topped with a Bears chef hat, doles out wings as he tries to engage in some Bears banter with the fans. Hoping to show the people "charisma, personality," and "to spoof 'em up" as they come through his line, whatever the hell that means, he asks when the Bears last won a Superbowl, which must be a no-no to anyone who knows anything about football, since it falls flat. His jicama and pineapple slaw with lime dressing and fire-spiced chicken wings sounds tasty and looks completely safe. The judges like the spice, the fans dig the wings, and we're stuck with Spike for at least one more week.

Dent, I think it is, shows up at Antonia's grill just before the judges for a jerk chicken sandwich with pickled onion, banana, and pineapple -- the judges enjoy the flavor, but Colicchio thinks she should have put the banana and the pineapple on the sandwich instead of serving them on the side. As a few tailgaters weigh in, we discover that the ratings will be delivered in football terms: touchdown, fumble, etc. Ryan, incapable of handling service himself, has enlisted a bunch of beefy fans to help, ordering them to grab salt, calling to Mark for a towel, and generally putting on a ridiculous floor show. People seem to be eating it up, but he looks like an ass to me -- I have never been able to understand why people fall for that kind of cutesy, phony, look-at-me bullshit, but they do. I've seen it happen too often, I find it insufferable, and it fills me with hatred.