Top Chef
The Raw And The Cooked

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Surfin' So Sorry

The surfers finally find someone who speaks their language as Michael is all, "You wanna taahcoh?" "Taahcoh, man? Ri'on!" Michael tells us that people say he talks like a surfer, "So I'm gonna to be able to totally relate to these people, be all 'BRO! Breakfast taahcohs, duuude!' They're gonna think my taahcohs are mackalicious." He's a cartoon. It's awesome. The judges really like it because it's tasty and it's portable.

Taking a page from Michael's book, Marcel tells a bare-chested surfer that he's "fucking stoked, I was, like, 'Yeah, dude!'" Then he asks, "How are the waves out there today?" Like Marcel's ever even hung three. Marcel's breakfast of champions is poached eggs -- I'm really impressed he managed to do those over a fire pit -- hash browns, gravlax (Scandinavian cured salmon, usually using aquavit and dill) and cream cheese with bacon lardons (pieces). Marcel says his plan of attack was to spend most of his time pushing and selling his dish to the surfers and then he dissolves into really scary surfer-speak, "Like, yo bro [weird sinister giggle] try my poached eggs brah!" I don't know how to accurately describe just how his voice got all pinched and high-pitched and nasally. It was hysterically creepy. Michael dings Marcel to us for "macking on little fourteen-year-old girls." They're fourteen? Really? "He's, like, confused, he's, like, twenty-six but sometimes I think he's sixteen." Okay first of all, Michael? Pot sent you a telegram. It says: "You're black. Stop." Second of all, age isn't what I was thinking Marcel was confused over, and according to some obliging citizen, that "confusion" is further underscored by the tramp stamp on Marcel's lower back. The surfers fill out their comment cards. One dude didn't like Sam's toad-in-a-hole bagel because when he picked up the bagel, everything fell through the hole. D'oh! Sam tells us his only hope is that someone had a crappier dish than his.

The challenge over, Mia and Elia decide to run into the water. A few others join them: Betty (of course) and Marcel. We see Marcel grabbing Elia and dragging her into the water. He tells us, "I may have accidentally or probably purposefully tackled Elia along the way, but it was all in good fun."

At the Judges' Table, Colicchio gives the cheftestants props for finding sand in only one dish. Gail gets really animated and adds, "People take for granted how difficult it is to cook an egg well." The challenge of cooking for the surfers is restated. Padmadala says the surfers favored Ted Ilan, Betty, Elia, and Mia. The judges talk over all these dishes, and Padmadala goes to get Betty, Mia, and Elia. With the three girls standing in front of them, Padmadala tells them they were the three best. Relief all around. They talk over individual dishes and Gail tells Elia, "I have to say, when I first heard about what you were doing, I was very apprehensive. Generally, I don't like the sweet and the salty all piled up together." More McGriddles for me, then! However, Gail was completely won over as soon as she tasted Elia's dish. Chef Lunetta compliments the yolk on Elia's eggs. Gail turns to Betty and asks her how she came up with her presentation. Betty's response isn't really that important -- she talks about thinking about how to keep things warm in the flesh bundle -- but what drove me crazy is how she dramatically put her hands up to her temples as she says, "What I was trying to think of is how can I keep all these elements warm." She just annoys me to a ridiculous amount. Elia is the winner -- YAY ELIA! -- and she is thrilled. This is her second win in a row. YAY ELIA! Betty tells us she's happy that the top three were women. Padmadala asks them to send back Cliff, Frank, and Sam.

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