Andy turns to Cliff and Clippergate. Just in case we all forgot the disturbing scene, we get to watch it again! YAY! We hear Ilan bleat, "Come on! Come on!" And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen -- your Top Chef champion. Sickening. Cliff says the whole thing borders on an "out-of-body" experience. Andy wants to know if he's spoken to Marcel post-show. Cliff says, "I have had contact with him and everything's cool." Ilan is leering up at Cliff, and I just want to RIP his FACE off. Ye gods, I am not a violent person but I swear to fucking Yoda, Ilan gets under my skin faster than a wasp sting. Andy wants to know how the whole thing went from them all joking around to attempted head shaving. Wait, shh! Let's listen to Ilan discourse on this: "There was no animosity behind it -- it was just to be funny." NO ANIMOSITY?! What the hell did we just see with the Marcel vs. The World? And Mikey repeating that he didn't deserve to have legs? How is that not animosilicious? (Okay, I know that isn't a real word, but there was no REAL episode this week so I needed a neologism to sate my overweening ego.) Gail wants to know if any of them realized what serious shit they were in at the time or if they just went to bed and thought all was well on the Western Omelet Front. Cliff admits that none of them realized it was going to be "that huge." Andy now feels it's safe to ask, "In the light of day, do you think it was fair that you were eliminated? "Oh, absolutely," Cliff says even before Andy finishes his sentence, "Yeah. Absolutely." I'm glad to hear that. Simply because I don't think Ilan, Elia, or Sam have really shown enough remorse or the slightest hint of realization that what they did -- even if they didn't really do anything but were just standing there being That Guy -- was disgusting and cowardly. Of course, Colicchio wants to get in that the "real unfortunate thing" (I hope he means, "aside from Marcel getting attacked") was that Cliff could have gone all the way were it not for his thuggish behavior. Cliff admits, "It was a stupid thing," and then seems desirous of nodding away any more discussion of any more what-could-have-beens.
Andy then turns to showing us some never-before-seen footage, which show Elia, Sam, Marcel, Ilan, and Cliff parodying Quickfires. Elia minces and works her face just like Padma, and Sam plays the guest judge. They stage a Quickfire of steak and eggs with thirty seconds to cook, and Bravo even patched in the Quickfire music. Cliff, Marcel, and Ilan rush to cook their steak and eggs. Cliff's doing something with beer and eggs, and Marcel's squirting ketchup and mustard and it's INSANITY I TELL YOU CRAZYSEXYFUN INSANITY. Elia and Sam taste the dishes, with Elia taking care to keep her hand stuck Padma-ly to her hip, and Elia picks up eggs and throws them disdainfully back on the plate. Elia picks up a steak and says, "Just like the shoe...of my mother." Ilan plays up how he was strapped for time, and Elia sneers, "But you had thirty seconds." Now they are at a Judges' Table and Elia sneers that they were very disappointed in the chefs. Sam says, "I'd like to ask Cliff a question -- why did your beef taste like beef?" Elia adds, "I mean, I'm still tasting the beef." "It tastes like cow," Sam agrees. It totally harkens back to Michelle Bernstein saying that Elia's kidneys tasted like kidneys. Their decision is that they should all pack their knives and go.