And now the question Ilan has been preparing for: what are you actually doing with yourself when you're not buying knock-off fashion? Ilan gibbers the same response we've been hearing for months: entertaining offers, doing demos all over, traveling, can't commit to any one thing at this point because he's just in SUCH high demand. Read: no one wants to hire me for anything because I'm such an UNBELIEVABLE turd. And while we're happily scraping open unhealed wounds, how does Sam feel about not being in the finale? Sam admits he thought he was going further than he did. We cut back to the Judges' Table discussion of his dish and Colicchio saying Sam didn't cook anything. Back in the studio, Colicchio would like it to be known that all we viewers ever get is mere snippets of what all they said. He's surprised that what made it -- out of two hours of deliberation -- was his comment that Sam didn't cook. Okay, so I appreciate that Colicchio is expressing discontent over getting the edit he did, but it would also be helpful if he maybe gave us some insight of what else he said in those two hours. Andy tries to defend his side of the show by saying, "It was my understanding that you guys went so back and forth on that it was kind of --" Not according to all the judges. Padma felt one way and Colicchio felt the opposite. That sort of sounds like going back-and-forth to me, but if the judges' are protesting how they were portrayed, I'm on their side. Sam admits he felt he had it in the bag that day. Colicchio says all the dishes were good, and Gail adds that because all the dishes are good, it does end up getting down to the real nitpicky stuff. The tiny details.
And here we move to why people love reality television: the drama. We cut back to Stephen vs. Candice in the Tool and Douchebag round, Howie vs. Joey in the Battle of the Bulges, Miguel vs. Tiffani in the Snake -- TSSSS! debate, and finally, of course, Marcel vs. Almost Everyone. Apparently they cut a Marcel vs. Ilan fight short because back in the studio, Mikey offers, "There's so much more to that one -- he told him he didn't deserve to have laiggs." ...Good one. Was he trying to riff off of the Miguel insult? "You're a snake tssss! You don't even deserve...to have legs." It's like that psychedelic Sesame Street Simple Simon thing where the snake has wings of a duck and legs of a sheep, but the snake doesn't deserve to have wings or feet and talks like Peter Lorre for some reason. Were we all on drugs as kids? Because how did that seem normal? Andy mentions that they asked Marcel to appear, but he was smartly on a fishing trip. (He's still looking for the Kona-Kampachi he misplaced in Hawaii.) Andy wants to know what the deal was between Marcel and Ilan. Ilan sort of passes it off as a clash of disparate personalities and admits it went both ways but only gives an example of Marcel being a dick. Andy asks all of season two to comment whether Marcel was portrayed accurately. Mikey says, "They gave him a break -- they made him look like a victim or somethin'." That there is why I actually had to stop recapping this and take a three-hour break. He WAS a fucking VICTIM! Cliff and Sam and Ilan and Elia all MADE him a fucking victim! Jesus Crust -- I wasn't even on the guy's side until it was clear they were all gunning for him with Betty and her purple neck and Ilan with the homophobic crap and Elia with the Benedict Arnoldness. Also, if it was Marcel who supposedly didn't deserve to have legs, doesn't that make him more of a victim? Because he has skate around the streets in a box asking for money? Thankfully, Lee Anne saves my throat, torn raw from screaming about the ridiculous crap that was season two and visiting my dark place as a result, and loudly interjects that as Marcel is not there to FUCKING defend himself, she would like to say that she thinks he's talented and really does have a point of view. Unlike Ilan who's only point of view has to do with saffron and stealing from Café Mono and not doing a damn thing lately. Andy tries BELATEDLY to move away from Marcel by asking if there's anyone like Marcel in season three. Of course, they all say that it's Hung. Lia -- the Lee Anne of her season -- steps in to say that she personally really liked Hung, but on this show you live with one personality and often cook with another. Lia admits that Hung was getting a bit careless in the kitchen, knife-wise, and it's unprofessional in her opinion. Ted Allen interjects that television cameras become "jerk-magnets." Meaning, the cameras turn on and these contestants turn into completely different people. Colicchio adds, "Everyone knows that the camera puts on ten pounds of bitch." You know, that's the second week in a row that Colicchio's said "bitch" and it still sounds against all nature. Padma puts her hands up to her mouth in a very girly way, and you don't know if she's scandalized by Colicchio's language or the idea of ten pounds.