Top Chef
Unhappy Customers

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Foaming at the Mouth

In the back, Mike blowtorches the watermelon "gnocchi," while Ted Ilan suggests they get more sugar on it because "it smells a little gassy." No, that's just Colicchio. Sam shows Mike how to handle the blowtorch. Mike tells us, "Sam doesn't think I know how to brûlée a dessert. He wants to do it a certain way. Hey, man, take the gun, do it your way -- let's just get this over with." Sam explains that before he was on the show, he had been playing around with cutting watermelon into various shapes -- shades of Candice! -- and pairing them with creamy blue cheese. He pronounced it, "Awesome." Sam talks way to fast and he barely opens his mouth. It's like he's got lockjaw. Maybe he's related to Real World's Tetanus Girl.

The judges are served the watermelon "gnocchi" with Cabrales and Asiago cream. Because I've had watermelon salad with Fontina or Comte, I wouldn't mind the watermelon paired with the cheeses. In fact, watermelon and feta is common in Greek cuisine. However, it's the "cream" part that disturbs me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because the melted blue Cabrales comes out grey and unappetizing against the red watermelon? Either that or the cream creates what I like to call a "texture violation." A few of Lalalina's mallrats dare each other to try the dish first. As Sam peers around a wall at the judges, Yakura says that the only thing he likes about the dish is how the salt brings out the sweetness of the watermelon. Sam tells the cameras he can tell the judges aren't too thrilled. Lalalina's server hands out comment cards to the mallrats. One mallrat asks his companions, "Do you think 'Was the chef on crack?' is too, too harsh?" No, but I think it will get your dopey mug on television. Marcel tells us he's happy about the food but not with Cliff and his FOH service. Mike calls his team members in for a team meeting in the corner of the shared kitchen and gives them a little pep talk. We can't hear what all he said, which surely contained lots of "dude"s and "like"s, but we catch, "Think positive man. So don't fucking get all fucking sad and shit." Mike, from the excessive panty-sniffing to this pep talk, you are one classy guy.

Judges' Table. Nearly universal distaste and disappointment with both teams. We've pretty much heard it all already -- no need to rehash since they're just going to tell the cheftestants the same thing. One thing to note is that after seeing promos for it all season, we finally learn what "made. [Gail]. Nauseous." It was the watermelon and blue cheese dish. Oh, and Yakura -- smiling proudly -- calls the Oreo Lemon Pie a "hockey puck." Dude, that was already used this year -- get a new metaphor. Colicchio doesn't think they have a winner tonight.

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