Top Chef

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Watch What Happens: Nothing.

Mark just got married for a green card so he can stay in America, implies Andy, before moving on to the "one real relationship" of the season (and, as I've said before, the only one they gave much airtime) -- the tumultuous lesbian love fest between Jen and Zoi. It was strange all around, says Jen. Simply living with your lover in a house with fourteen other people is disconcerting, and they both seem to agree that they actively tried not to be supportive of each other, since they were both there to win. Doug from Tampa simply must know how the lesbians feel about Spike's attitude toward them, and Jen tells him that Spike seemed totally down during the filming. She only discovered the awful truth when she watched the show. Andy tries to spin Spike's remark that Jen and Zoi enjoyed an unfair advantage by competing together into homophobia, but Spike explains that he doesn't care who pokes who, but that in an intense situation, having someone you love and trust near you might be helpful.

"I think it was a disadvantage," counters Zoi, and Jen agrees. They both think they'd have done better had their other half not been there. But are they still other halves? Andy brings up salacious Internet rumors about a split, which prompts the maybe-lovers to look at each other awkwardly, hem and haw, and cop to some "bumps" before Zoi explains, "We're not going to discuss it." Oh, seriously, Brangelina Armstrong-Hudson? Because no one gives a shit. Poor Doug from Tampa -- he must be very devastated, and very alone. Spike is Corey from Charleston's favorite Top Cheftestant -- because he loves to play the game. Calculated strategy, or the true essence of your being? Oh, well, I took the competition seriously, but also wanted to have fun, and messing with people's minds is all part of the game, says Spike. Cut to montage of devious Spike, complete with commentary from Antonia and Stephanie. Speaking of, when Stephanie's asked if she thinks Spike's a jerk, she reveals that she "hated him so much" for the first several challenges, but that her experience working with other "cocky assholes" enabled her to like him in the end. A few hands pop up -- led by Erik -- when Andy asks if anyone thinks Spike has a shot at fan favorite. "I might win something after all," chuckles Spike.

Now Andy Cohen wants to talk about nightmares inspired by the stress of Top Chef, but before he makes me talk about them as well, I just want to say how pretty Nimma looks in purple. Formulaic sleeping montage, with plenty of ominous music and wavy fades. Dale buying lamb at Whole Foods and getting home to discover that the two racks they purchased were miniscule. Richard being told he's on the bottom before he even knows what the challenge is -- hey, Richard, your challenge is simply to be the bottom. Spike at Whole Foods with no idea what he's doing, or what the challenge is (see above). Colicchio's demon eyes, and Gail's pronouncement that the hot chocolate Jen's about to serve won't be as good as what she had earlier. Mark showing up for a threesome with Richard and his wife. Nightmare...or fantasy? Mark's personal nightmare is nothing that I wish to repeat, especially since it involves Richard and his wife, and I'm a married man. Gripping stuff. Several people still have nightmares. Oh, look, it's Manuel!

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Top Chef

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