Top Chef

Episode Report Card
Chuck: D | Grade It Now!
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Watch What Happens: Nothing.

But, says Andy, Colicchio wasn't at the table for Dale's controversial elimination, and reveals that he doesn't stand by that decision. Based on his eyes, Lisa screwed up two dishes, and Dale screwed up one. Dale jumps in to take responsibility for his actions, blah blah, but Colicchio's obvious implications are...a perfect opportunity to transition to Lisa and the "deluge" of inquiries they've received about why Lisa is such a sour-looking mega-bitch. Lest we forget, there's a LISA = BITCH montage. Karma's a bitch, too, but it is unfortunate that she's been getting dirty looks in the street, especially since she brainwashed me during the finale. Lisa tells a really interesting story about being approached by two women at a lesbian party. Well, she actually stops the story before it might have gotten interesting, but we'll never know. She quips that she might win an Emmy, since she made for good TV. Now, just because you were on television doesn't mean it's good, Lisa. Bethenny Frankel, the drunk from The Real Housewives of New York City (now that's good television, people) found the time during a busy morning of cocktails to write asking about Lisa's angry face. Sure she did -- why don't you people get that bitch by satellite? Anyway, Lisa claims she is able to accept criticism in the kitchen.

She is also able to throw Andrew under the bus (please say that phrase more times!), although Andrew, who looks cuter now, claims he was disappointed more than angry, since the judges didn't really need Lisa's help to see that Andrew didn't follow the rules. Lisa regrets that she did it, especially since she and Andrew were smoking buddies, and now it's time to talk about Andrew and drugs, because "a lot of viewers" thought he was hopped up on something stronger. Oh, Andrew, A.D.D. doesn't stand for Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, you big silly. The endless montage that follows establishes Andrew as a good kid, an entertaining guy, in an annoying, I like to put shoes on my knees and walk around, always-on Jim Carrey way, a lover of food with a knack for bad visual puns, and a proud "culinary boner" owner, a boner that Colicchio likes to look at. Watch What Happens! Andrew also managed to charm Gail, with whom he shared some flirty moments. Oh, she totally wants him! She blushes, "You always made me smile."

Have you been pining for a T-shirt that reads "I HAVE A CULINARY BONER"? Well, now's your chance, as this season's shirt is unveiled. They should totally make the Project Runway minions design it, just to keep them humble. Spike awkwardly removes his outer layers to reveal a prototype (orange on blue, so it matches the set) and Colicchio awkwardly reads the newest Top Chef catchphrase. These are sure to fly off the shelves. I hope I see someone who's wearing one of these shirts trip and fall. Actually, I'm fairly pleased when I see anyone trip and fall. Could Andrew win fan favorite? The suspense is killing me.

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Top Chef

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