But first, it's fight time, with a rundown of season four's top four: Dale versus Spike in "I Hustled." Lisa versus Dale in "Who Found the Rice?" Lisa versus Andrew in "Calling Me Out Under the Bus." And, at number one: Spike versus Antonia versus Spike versus Jen versus Lisa versus Dale in "The L Word," with special guest star Dale's Crotch. Turns out, as is so often the case, the dude hijacked the lady's fight -- Jen was hopping mad that that Zoi was leaving, and started sparring with Spike, but then Dale had to lash out at Lisa's bad attitude, and he stole her thunder. Turns out the he was mad pissed about not winning that Italian vacation. Actually, though, it was Antonia who started the fight, with Spike, and it was all about soup. Or no soup, really, and it was actually Ming Tsai that started the fight, when he validated Spike's crackhead idea to make soup. That asshole.
Speaking of "asshole," and other colorful language on display during the fight sequences, Andy tells the gang that plenty of viewers wrote in to reprimand the cheftestants for their potty mouths. One enlightened viewer wouldn't want any of these folks preparing his or her food based on their foul talkery. I am guessing this individual must not eat out very often. "The women are like drunken sailors on leave," writes someone (names and hometowns omitted to protect the prudish), which elicits guffaws from the men, who are like ballerinas before a performance. "Let's see what the fuck they're talking about," quips Edgy Cohen, launching us into the dirty word montage. Dale admits he's got a problem -- "half the time inappropriate and like five percent retarded." Stephanie suffers from nerve-driven Tourette's, courtesy of mom, and pretty much everyone who made it past the halfway point gets a word in, except for Nikki, who doesn't like to call attention to herself. Come to think of it, she's probably the person who wrote in -- no wonder Andy didn't identify the mystery schoolmarm.
Stephanie blames her mother again and explains that the four letter words just "pop out" when she's trying to express herself. Maybe, she offers, she just doesn't have a good vocabulary. That's the kind of thing that my mother would say, which I think is male cow poo. As for Dale's mother? She was none too pleased by her son's un-churchlike barbs, especially since the church was pulling for Dale en masse. In a convenient display of the strange beliefs religious fervor can engender, Dale says that his mom chooses to believe that Dale was forced to speak the way he did, perhaps with a radio controlled voice box, by the mysterious powers of television. That's his story and he's sticking to it. Padma mentions that the cheftestants were very well-behaved at judges' table, so she was surprised to see all the behind-the-scenes antics when the show aired. Jen tries to make some point about how athletes curse like crazy off the field, until Colicchio clarifies that he's referring specifically to the interview portions. Not surprisingly, Padma doesn't really take part in the following conversation -- er, lecture -- in which Colicchio encourages them to give some thought as to the way they want to present themselves to an adoring public via the media.