Top Chef

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Watch Nothing Happen
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Oh, God. Andy Cohen is hosting. Look, Bravo is my overlord so I don't want to piss anyone off, but there's a reason that some people work in the below-the-line jobs and some people are on-camera talent. And it has nothing to do with "How much do you LOOOOOOVE reality shows!" Because if that were the case, I would be hosting Rock of Love Bus right now. But I'm not ridiculously good looking and I'm not natural in front of a camera, so here I sit in my home office, snarking away. Andy Cohen is, I'm sure, great at his job as Senior Vice President in Charge of Making Sure No One Steals Any More Franchise Shows or whatever, but he's not a good interviewer and he's not natural in front of the camera. Remember when Rosie or Bryant Gumbel used to host the Survivor reunions? And they sucked? And now Probst does, but they suck in a different way? There just has to be a better option for the reunion hosting. I don't think Padma should do it, but someone who is familiar with the show and not afraid to ask the uncomfortable questions and doesn't make me want to STAB MYSELF IN THE EARHOLE. I'm just saying.

Andy starts out by introducing Colicchio, Padma, Gail, and Toby. Colicchio seriously looks like he needs a nap, and possibly an alcoholic beverage. He really doesn't want to be there, guys. But it's in his contract, so there you go. I think he hates Toby. And he's pissed that Jamie didn't win. Since this reunion is so boring, I'm just going to make shit up about the various participants based on my own crazy meandering thoughts. Hope you find it entertaining, but keep in mind that this is parody, and thus not actionable. So anyway, Colicchio is all, "Why did Toby get to come? Does that mean he's coming back next season? Because if I have to hear one more labored pop-culture analogy, I'm going to cut a bitch." Tom is the voice of the viewer, y'all.

Andy welcomes the chefs, especially the final four of Hosea, Fabio, Stefan, and Carla, who they have jammed all onto one small couch. Fabio is totally doing that subway-riding big ball thing where his legs are super far apart and taking up at least 2/3 of the couch and poor Carla is practically climbing up the arm of the couch to have some space, since she's two feet taller than Fabio anyway. Andy starts with the hard-hitting questions by asking if anyone wants to admit that he or she might be the Fan Favorite. Daniel raises his hand and everyone laughs. Oh, Daniel, you card. No one likes you. Hey, I think Daniel filled in his facial hair! So at least one good thing came out of this season. Daniel realized that he looked like a dweeb. A couple of people mention Fabio and Carla as contenders for Fan Favorite. Leah says she thinks it's Stefan and everyone giggles because we've been trained by the editors to think Stefan is evil. Stefan claims it's possible: "Read zuh blogs!" Colicchio says it's not possible and Stefan mock-grimaces. Andy asks if Stefan really believes he has a shot and Stefan says he wouldn't have shown up otherwise, like he's not contractually obligated to do so. I mean, why else is Jeff there? Toby asks what would stop someone from voting for him or herself, and is told that you can. Oh, Toby. Welcome to 1998. Seriously, has he never seen or heard of an online poll? And how unscientific they are? I mean, one glance at any poll on this site proves that. Which is why no one takes them seriously, unless of course it could mean winning money. Anyway, Stefan tried to vote for himself, but we won't find out who won until the last part of the show, because they have to give us a reason to watch what doesn't happen.

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Top Chef

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