Top Chef

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Watch Nothing Happen

Andy asks everyone to applaud this season's winner, Hosea. What is the dumbest, lamest question you could ask Hosea? How does it feel to have won? Because that's what he asks. Bleh. And Hosea says it really sucks and curses the day he entered the competition. No, he says exactly what you would think -- it's surreal, but it feels good. Andy asks who is surprised that Hosea won and Leah jokingly raises her hand. Hosea claims that when they left New York before the finale, Leah told him that she didn't think he would beat Stefan. Ouch! Why would she say that? Even if we all thought it was true, there was no reason. Anyway, Andy introduces a clip package of how Hosea made it to the top, which we've already seen, so let's just fast forward, no? I mean, I'll shorthand it for you. Hosea had poor self-esteem, was a country mouse, had a dad with cancer, wanted to beat Stefan a lot, prepared a lot of fish/seafood, and then he won.

Andy's brilliant follow-up question: What are you going to do with the money? Hosea says he's looking into various business ventures. Andy asks Tom why Hosea won. Tom recaps the storyline of the last few episodes, which is that everyone was cooking great food. Carla came on strong out of nowhere. Stefan may have suffered from heightened expectations by the judges. Hosea was slow and steady. Toby says that Hosea had a good day (with the subtext being that he had ONE good day) and Stefan and Carla didn't. Toby kind of makes it out to be a fluke, which is shitty. Gail says that the competition was very close, and there was much discussion and arguing over it. Yeah, take that, BLOGGERS!

Stefan claims that he's happy that he didn't win, and he's not upset. Andy doesn't really follow up on that, even though it would be interesting to hear Stefan dig his way out. Colicchio notes that Jeff looks like he wants to kill Stefan. I think Jeff wants to hulk out and kill everyone there, based on some of his interviews since the show ended.

Oh, God, they are taking questions from the Internet. Sometimes they are good, but usually they are terrible. Again, journalism. I know it's a dying art, but look into it. Do some research and ask some actually interesting and provocative questions. Make this episode more than just a throwaway. Anyway, someone wants to know why Stefan and Fabio love each other so much, and we get to watch a Team Euro clip package first. You know they are both thinking, "Oh, Americans, and your internalized homophobia!" At least no one has said bromance yet. Until, in the clip package, Fabio kisses Stefan's bald head one too many times and Leah says the dreaded b-word. Ugh. The cheftestants are all amused by the clip package for the same reason that we all like to watch home movies of ourselves, but should never show them to anyone else because no one cares. Fabio has to tell everyone that's he's straight so I guess Americans aren't the only ones with internalized homophobia. But he says kissing is a European thing, and Padma agrees. Toby asks the dumbest question ever: he wonders if Fabio and Stefan hold hands walking down the street. Yes, because that's what men do in Europe. They hold hands walking down the street. What I wouldn't give for Colicchio to just stand up and punch Toby in the face. You know he wants to. Anyway, Fabio jokes that he uses a leash instead, which gets a big laugh.

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Top Chef

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