Top Chef

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Watch Nothing Happen

Now there's a viewer question for Colicchio. Someone wants to know about how he gave someone the Heimlich at a party. Colicchio explains that someone was choking and he gave the Heimlich, and he thinks most people should know it. My head is going into Eddie Izzard routines: "A fist, a hand, hoocha, hoocha, hoocha, lobster." I wish I were watching Eddie Izzard right now instead of this show.

Someone asks Gail (?) if Toby is the Simon Cowell of the show. What does that even mean? He's mean? He's honest? He's British? He likes to tweak his nipples while ruminating? Anyway, Gail says that they all talk a lot during judging but it's not that interesting, so only the best bits make the episode. And then Gail reveals that she's not even sure why this question was directed to her, since she and Toby only did the finale together. True! I wish they had asked Colicchio, but in my alternate reality, he hates Toby, so he refused to answer the question. This introduces some of the more painful moments from Judges' Table, all of which we already saw during the season. The cheftestants admit that the package was hard to watch. Melissa (who is growing out her bangs, yay!) says that the critique is tough to hear, but it also makes you a better chef. Stefan admits that even when he knew he was going to win, he was still shitting bricks from standing in front of the judges. He also claims to be 36, and Jamie yells out that he's actually 38. Colicchio says that criticism is part of being a chef, and it's kind of worse when it's written down by a critic. Really? Worse than having it spoken on national television and then rehashed in Previouslies and clip packages ad nauseam? Toby babbles some nonsense about how it makes him angry because he's rooting for them to do well, and it comes out tougher than he meant. I think he should take that up with his therapist.

Someone submitted a question that is actually kind of interesting. Shocker! The viewer points out that Ariane did well cooking simple food this season, and wonders if simple food is the way to win. Obviously not, since Ariane didn't win, so maybe that question could have been phrased better. Padma and Tom both say that good food is the way to win, whether it's simple or complicated. I feel like that could have led to an interesting discussion, but there's no clip package to watch, so let's move on!

Obligatory question to the first two that were eliminated, since no one remembers them. Lauren and Patrick failed. There was a lot of pressure. The end.

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Top Chef

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