Dear Top Design:
By the time you get this letter, I will be far, far away -- certainly well out of the reach of your odious grasp. You brought this on yourself, Top Design. With just one more installment before your contest comes to a merciful conclusion, you trotted out the most boring, most repetitive, and -- worst of all -- most awful episode in your brief, inglorious run. And I say that as a man who had to white-knuckle his way through the yard sale episode.
Let's consider the boneheaded challenge you saddled the remaining three contestants with this week -- pick a cover of Elle DÃ©cor and design a room based on it. Oh, but the Top Designers can't imitate the room; instead they're supposed to be inspired by it -- in the same way that Vanilla Ice was inspired by Under Pressure, I guess.
And then we were treated to an episode where the same thing keeps happening over and over and over again. I'm talking multiple scenes of Carisa yelling at Carl over the fake brick wall she's ordered him to make. And multiple scenes of Andrea suffering some horrendous design setback. And scene after scene of Matt complaining that he can't work under the constraint of a $7,500 budget. Boo hoo fucking hoo.
But as always, Top Design, you outdo yourself with the nonsensical judging sequences and no, I'm not even referring to Kelly Wearstler and her summer-picnic-at-Dachau garb. Instead you give the top prize -- a profile in the same lackluster magazine that inspired these pale imitations -- to Matt, whose room looked unfinished and unattractive. And you dismiss Andrea, whose room was probably the best of the three. But more to the point, you keep Carisa, meaning I've got to endure another week of her wretched attitude and abusive behavior.
Well, the joke's on you, Top Design. I'm leaving, and I'm taking Carl with me. We're going to drive all nightâ¦drive to Mexico and freedom. And you won't ever be able to find us. Ever.
Previously on My Top Design on the D-List : I wouldn't know, because my husband usually writes these recaps. Except last Wednesday, the minute this episode ended, he stalked out the door with only his wallet and a big bottle of SPF 45. Since then, I've had two garbled phone calls, but it was kind of hard to hear over the sobbing and the loudspeaker commanding people to "coloque sus wagers en el prizefighter siguiente." I imagine Mr. Sobell will come home with Carl the Carpenter when he's good and ready. Until then, you're stuck with me.
Top Designer roll call: Gone! Booted! Carisa! Vanished! Absent! Matt! Andrea! Departed! Vamoosed! Ejected! Banished! Exxxxxxxxxxiled!
After a few shots of Los Angeles' more Blade Runner-y buildings, we zoom to the condos where the three remaining designers are staying. Matt is eating breakfast in his condo with only his paint chips for company. I had no idea green was the most sociable of the paint chip families -- this show has been so good for learning all those insider-y tidbits, hasn't it?
We cut to Matt doing his talking head thing, saying, "If I'm not one of the final two, I will, like, get depressed and kill myself." Matt, you realize you've just thrown down the gauntlet to reality TV producers everywhere. Anyway, Matt seems to feel that being the most experienced designer left in the competition should automatically bump him to the next round.
Over in the girls' condo, we are learning that indeed, green is the color choice of breakfasting designers everywhere. As Carisa notes that the top three includes two women, we get a V.O. of Andrea saying, "I did not think that was going to happen. I was surprised that Carisa made it into the top three. She always delivers in a certain way, but she kind of does a similar thing each time. If she does the same thing again, I think it may be, like, one time too many."
But when Andrea is not busy running down the competition, she's chit-chatting it up. Carisa is fretting over their next challenge, and Andrea notes that "Matt keeps saying that we need to do, like, a really formal living room or something. But that's his deal. So hopefully, this one won't be formal so he gets knocked out." The two laugh because it's fun to conspire against the competition!
We head to the Pacific Design Center so we can establish that indeed, the contestants are heading back into the grinder. Then we cut quickly to Matt's talking head interview: "Whenever I have time to think about my family, I feel guilty for being here. There's, like, a million things going on back home, so I was hoping this competition really comes through for me and it was all worth it." Or else what? Say... there is your next reality show: what happens to contestants of any competitive series after they're ejected from the hermetic TV bubble and forced to reckon with all the people they left behind. Top Divorce? "This week's challenge -- divide your assets in half, or the courts will do it for you!"