Top Design
Garage Band

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Mr. Sobell: C- | Grade It Now!
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Instant Car-ma's Gonna Get You

Jonathan begins the final go-round in the White Room by reminding everyone that Andrea won the challenge and can't be eliminated. He also takes this opportunity to harsh her mellow: "Although your clients thought you had the Top Design, we weren't all that convinced." Jonathan Adler, ladies and gentlemen -- invite him to your next birthday party. ("Some people say you're not getting older, you're getting better. But I say you're just another day closer to the Reaper's cold embrace.") Andrea is hustled off to the safe side of the room, and she's soon joined by Matt, Goil, and Erik. That leaves Ryan, Carisa, and Michael -- let's point out all their faults and flaws, major and minor. After these momentum-sapping commercials.

If you've ever said to yourself, "Yes, these shows about interior decorators and chefs and fashion designers are all well and good. But what Bravo really ought to do is a show where hairdressers compete for fame and prizes. And they ought to get one of Charlie's Angels to host it," then your dream is about to come true. Unless you were holding out hope for Kate Jackson.

Back in The Chamber of Sorrows, Jonathan is telling the final three the myriad ways they've disappointed him. Carisa: You didn't play well with others. Michael: You picked terrible colors. Ryan: We wanted art, and you gave us attitude. But there can be only one shit-canning. Carisa can stay; so can Michael. And unless they invite one of the previously eliminated contestants back just to eliminate them again, that leaves Ryan. He is predictably sanguine about this turn of events: "That's okay," he says, with more relief than sorrow. After a furtive handshake with Jonathan, Ryan says goodbye to a few of his fellow Top Designers: "All right, kids. Fight the power." Somewhere, Chuck D. just threw up into his mouth a little bit.

And now for your auditory pleasure, we present to you at no additional cost, Ryan's farewell address: "I don't know if I'm surprised by the judges' decision. Boy, they're really conservative. Maybe a little uptight? Whatever. So be it... From the beginning, I've said I'm an artist. I feel like interior design should be an event. I don't feel like it should be like anything else. Standardized. Homogenized. Cataloged. It's tough for me to find any sort of transcendental anything in, you know, a vase. [points dismissively toward Jonathan Adler-designed vases] Creativity's kind of my own thing. It's going to be on my terms. I'm happiest down in the trenches. A glass of Agent Orange and a shot of Napalm, and I'm happy." There's not a thing I can add to that to make it more funny -- farewell, sweet doofus.

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Top Design

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