Welcome to the Room of Abuse and Recriminations. I believe you're familiar with our regular judges: Meany, Frowny, and Can't Dress Herself Without Causing Some Sort of Incident. They're joined this week by Ben Bourgeois. Who is Ben Bourgeois, you ask? Only one of the biggest event gurus in Hollywood and the man responsible for putting together Elton John's aforementioned Oscar bash. Me, I'm a bigger fan of his archrival Peter Proletariat, but to each their own, I guess. Todd scampers out of the room, leaving us with this chilling greeting from an especially peppy Jonathan Adler: "Hey, party people!" Hey, sinister lead judge! In case you want to know which criteria the judges will be ignoring this week when they select a winner at random, it's overall design, execution, how well the five senses got incorporated into the design, teamwork -- here Jonathan pauses for an especially prolonged staredown with Team Discord -- and each designer's personal contribution to the project. Oh, and the opinions of the party guests swilling Bacardi LimÃ³n will also be taken into account -- perhaps their rum-fueled opinions will bring some measure of sanity to the proceedings. "All right," Jonathan says, doing the internationally recognized raise-the-roof symbol with his right hand, "time to par-tay." Well. It was until you pronounced "party" that way. Now it's just time to feel sad.
Off to the party, for the judges at any rate. The Top Designers have to hang back in the White Room, watching the event on closed-circuit TV. The only way that could be more humiliating, I think, would be if the Top Designers were forced to stand outside the tents with their faces pressed up against the window -- occasionally one of the guests would toss a cruditÃ© at one of the Top Designers and titter bemusedly as the six wrestled on the ground for a scrap of food. It is also at this moment that we are treated to our first full shot of this week's installment of Sartorial Blunders with Kelly Wearstler, brought to you by the 1980s. This week, Ms. Wearstler sports a fetching gown-jeans mash-up that says both "casual" and "please cut me off at the bar now." She's dressed exactly like the quirky friend in a late '80s romantic comedy would be -- the kind who eats a pint of Hagen Das with Meg Ryan and exhorts her to go back to Tom Hanks before they both start trying on hats while a Katrina and the Waves song plays. ["But which Katrina and the Waves song?" -- Joe R] It takes a special person to carry off that look -- sadly, none of them are judging Top Design.