To: Jonathan Adler
From: The Buffalo, New York Tourism Bureau
How dare you, sir.
What has inspired Jonathan to slur the design aesthetic of Western New York are the furniture and fabrics featured in the St. Tropez cabana: "I feel like the interior design part was an afterthought." Carisa says she picked out the colors -- blue, coral, white, and sand -- based on the postcard. Margaret, already blind with rage about the colors Team Miami picked, launches into a mini-lecture about the number of blues that were at her disposal: sea blue, cerulean blue, the shade of blue that doesn't make me want to punch you. Kelly thinks Carisa took the postcard "too literal" -- the Adverb Defense League begins organize an informational picket outside the Pacific Design Center. Jonathan cuts to the heart of the matter: "Carisa, do you feel like the guys listened to you." Carisa pauses dramatically before tossing Goil and Ryan under the boss -- she does not believe that they did: "I felt that maybe I should have gone shopping. And I'm not sure that Ryan has a lot of experience." Ryan, your rebuttal? "I felt like my talent lies in space. I work in installation art. I'm a sculptor." So why didn't he alter any of the furniture as the rules allowed, Jonathan wonders. False Kathy Ireland agrees: "To me, this was boring." Yes, but it featured plenty of in-fighting and finger-pointing and shouldn't that be what a television series about interior design is all about?
And now we reach the part of the program I like to call "Let's Reiterate Every Complaint We Just Aired, Only Louder and With More Rancor" -- you may know it better as the judges' deliberations. Jonathan declares that Team Tahiti's cabana had "panache." Yes, but no roof. Kelly calls it "clean" and "restrained." Yes, but roof-free. Not Kathy Ireland thinks that it's a "modern" reinterpretation of Tahitian huts. Which usually have a roof, if I'm not mistaken. Margaret loves the curtains, but wishes Team Tahiti would have put some of that fabric on the roof. Yes, but what about the ro... oh. Jonathan revisits the old trope about the design being an ethereal fantasy; Margaret counters that this wasn't a fantasy challenge. "Maybe they're providing a gallon of zinc oxide," Kelly says to the laughter of the multitude. So we're agreed then -- Team Tahiti's design is fundamentally flawed and in no way should win. Right? Right? Anyhow, let's move on to "Smart Designers, Foolish Color Choices," otherwise known as the deconstruction of Team Miami. Margaret says the acid green put her over the edge; Jonathan agrees that he just couldn't get beyond it. "It's like the colors where you go to the paint store, and the paint's on sale," says Kelly. Which seems like a funny criticism, coming from a woman wearing knee-high socks the color of a Shamrock Shake. Jonathan asks if anyone has anything good to say about Team Miami's efforts. Margaret likes the indoor/outdoor space. "I think it would be really great if Matt had more of a voice," Kelly said. That sounds less like a compliment and more like a criticism, but Jonathan decides to run with it. "Being Top Designer means getting your voice heard whatever it takes," he declares. Not that Elizabeth has fared much better in the judges' eyes: "If she was responsible for those colors," Margaret says, "I do not think that was a good thing." Jonathan remarks how odd it is that they keep focusing on the colors and how Elizabeth is responsible for them and must be held accountable. Well, he doesn't put it quite like that, but there is a definite anti-Elizabeth sentiment percolating amongst the judges. "She can be passive-aggressive," declares Kelly, who apparently had time to pursue a degree in behavioral analysis in between all that interior designing and nude modeling. Enough slagging on Elizabeth's good name; let's turn our rhetorical fire onto Team St. Tropez. The Kathy Ireland who did not appear in Alien in L.A. loves the structure and would hire Goil to work for her. Kelly agrees, but complains that the architecture and the furniture "absolutely have no dialogue with another." Perhaps it's because they're inanimate objects; or am I taking that too literal? Structure, schmucture, Margaret declares: "With that curtain on top, it looked like the hamburger shack at the country club." Margaret hangs out at much swankier country clubs than I do. Kelly thinks it was a mistake to send Ryan to do the furniture shopping; whether she thinks it was a mistake to spend the rest of the episode pouting about it remains unsaid. Not that Carisa escapes the judges' collective finger wag; Jonathan isn't terribly impressed with her color choices. "I don't think her voice truly came through this cabana," Kelly says. "I think that Ryan made a lot of poor choices." See, Ryan and Carisa, you didn't have to squabble -- you're both equally to blame. Let's get those disappointing Top Designers back in here double quick.