The Season One credits crack me up, because they seem so melodramatic, for some reason. Alex walks out of a house with cedar shake shingles and welcomes us to "the quaint town of Huntington, New York." I've never been to Huntington, but I knew a girl in college from there and she was...well, crazy. Like, needed medication kind of crazy. So she flunked out. And that's my impression of the town, which isn't really fair, but there you have it. Alex tells us that Huntington is where Walt Whitman lived, and then awkwardly segues into an explanation that Whitman worked as a carpenter. I don't know exactly how to make these host introductions better, but they certainly couldn't be much worse.

Our first couple is Mary and her daughter, Jessica. They love to refinish furniture together. The other couple is Lorraine, and her daughter Allie. They will be working on the daughters' bedrooms. Jessica's bedroom is too modern, and Allie's bedroom is too old-fashioned. Why can't they just trade? The designers are Doug and Vern, and the carpenter is Amy Wynn. It's interesting that Alex says "architect Vern Yip" and "designer Doug Wilson." Like Vern isn't a designer. ["Like Doug is? Kidding. I'm kidding. Nobody email me." -- Deborah] The three of them goof around at an amusement park of some sort, and then we get a weird first-seasonism where Alex has to describe their personalities. Doug tends to break the rules and get caught, as we see him cheating at the ring toss. Vern tends to overachieve and obsess over angles and elevations as we see him carefully measuring the wind speed and angle for his ring toss. But Amy Wynn ends up winning the prize, and she celebrates as Doug and Vern walk behind her, shaking their heads. God, I'm glad they don't do these stupid vignettes anymore. And catch this cheesy Alex dialogue: "Yes, Walt Whitman certainly was a genius. But it doesn't take a genius to know that two male designers working alongside four female homeowners, a female carpenter, and a female host could easily turn into a battle of the sexes." Ugh. It doesn't help that Alex's line delivery is flatter than a pancake. As usual. The Valium, Alex. Ease up on it.

Lorraine and Allie cook in the kitchen. You can totally hear the crew guy tell Lorraine to turn around and face the camera and...yikes. She looks like she was rode hard and put away wet. There's a lot of mileage on that face. From the back, she looked much younger. To give you a visual, Lorraine looks like a cross between a pre-makeover Linda Tripp and a post-makeover Linda Tripp, heavily favoring the "pre-" part. Allie looks like a cross between Amy Fisher and Meadow Soprano, but dumber. Yes, I said dumber than Amy Fisher. Allie says that she would like to see dried flowers and lacy types of things. Lorraine clarifies that Allie would like a romantic Victorian style. Allie adds that she doesn't have a man, and Lorraine says that they're trying to get her one. Inappropriate. In Jessica's bedroom, they want a relaxing retreat, because she has a stressful job and commute.