Well, I usually start out telling you what MPDP's wearing, but let me tell you what I'm wearing in honour of the big deal live reveal in Vegas (baby): I usually write (in the wintertime, anyway, which lasts nine months here) in whatever sloppy, comfortable combination of pyjama pants/fleece top/sweater/four pairs of socks comes to hand. Not today! I'm prancing around in gold sequinned pyjamas today with feathery mules and a fuchsia boa. And more sparkly eyeshadow than Paula Abdul. And really frighteningly shiny lip gloss.
I'm so not. Sorry, red flannel penguin jammies, as usual.
Anyway. A full moon appears on camera, and MPDP tells us they're on a suburban street in Las Vegas. She says they're getting ready for the first ever live episode of Trading Spaces, but of course, it's just the reveal that's live. Words in the upper left corner say: "LIVE! 9:00 ET." MPDP's wearing a photoprint Las Vegas t-shirt and jeans. She says that, in just one hour, their homeowners will see their rooms for the very first time, and we'll be there to "witness it" as they open their eyes. You know, it's not like seeing the Berlin Wall come down or Nelson Mandela walk out of jail, or anything. Lordy. As exciting TV events go, this is probably somewhere just above seeing who gets kicked off the island in the first episode of the umpty-fifth run of Survivor. MPDP says it's a big gamble and now we're going to meet the people brave enough to do this. My God, get the Purple Hearts ready. But before we meet those heroic Americans, MPDP says, "Speaking of taking a risk...guess who's in town?" We suddenly switch to the taped portion of the show.
Ah, it's the Gruesome Twosome. Doug and Hildi pull up to a drive-in wedding window in a vintage white convertible. It looks like it has a vanity license plate, but I can't read it. MPDP pretends to refer to them as newlyweds -- oops, designers -- as we get close-ups of the two of them. Hildi's in a wedding dress (if something that looks like a white nylon peignoir set with a white feather boa can be considered a wedding dress), with some red lipstick that is just way too garish on her; she's also clutching a mess of dark pink flowers. Doug's wearing a suit and a bowler hat that makes him look uncomfortably Alex-in-A-Clockwork-Orange. Hildi and Doug simper at the person opening the wedding window, "Justice of the Peace" Amy Wynn Pastor. They should have done this right in a chapel and gotten her a proper vestments. Then she could be Pastor Pastor. Doug asks, "When do we kiss?" He's trying to sound excited, but he'd probably be more jazzed about an appendectomy. Amy Wynn says, "After the ceremony!" Doug tells her to get on with it. Amy Wynn's waving around something that looks like a car antenna with a red heart stuck on the end, and she announces, "You are wed." Hildi says that was easy. Doug turns to Hildi, puts his arm around her, and leans in. The camera angle changes quickly from behind Hildi to Amy Wynn's perspective from the window. That was the most passionless peck I've ever seen. I've seen juicier air kisses. Hildi laughs at the hopelessness of it and says, "Open your mouth!" Doug turns to the camera and shrugs, like, "What are you gonna do?" God, that was painful. I know some viewers will draw some conclusions about Doug's much-speculated-about orientation based on this segment, but let's remember: it's the Dark Princess of the Sith, here.