Star Trek

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C- | Grade It Now!
Q: Why did Kirk poop on the ceiling?
It's difficult to marshal my thoughts on The Commander. I don't know whether to think she might be more comfortable in a little white jacket with lots of buckles and ties than in her uniform complete with tricorder, rank pips, and phaser, or to stand up on my factory chair and cheer for her because it's who she is and she's doesn't give a shit who knows it. She's The Commander. When it comes down to it, I respect the fact that her obsession with ST has evolved into a greater purpose in her life and that others have been able to profit from her philanthropy. I also think she sees the chalk line in the dirt separating reality from fantasy. Unlike, say, the Pike-Chair Creator. Watching him talk excitedly and extensively about his complicated inventions is engaging, until you notice that rather unnatural glint in his eye. See, he really believes the future that Gene Roddenberry invented will come true some day. The transporters, the replicators, the constant distortions in the space-time continuum, all of it. All I have to say is, just put the soldering iron down and back away. Slowly. As a concept, Star Base Dental actually sounded kind of cool. A nice way to take your mind off that long needle primed with Novocain the dentist hides behind his back. But as a reality, it sucked the fuzzy end of a lollypop (tm Marilyn Monroe). Dr. Star Base hooks up some flashing lights -- which, combined with Whip-Its, could make his patients have seizures, I'm certain -- props up a few cardboard cut-outs, slaps his staff into uniforms, and calls it a Star Base? I don't think so. I was also disappointed with the lack of commitment to his theme. I saw some Star Wars stuff mixed in with the Trek-a-phernalia. Jeez, he even got the reason for James Doohan's missing finger wrong. "A gardening accident," Dr. Star Base says. Um, no -- try WWII. If you're going to be weird, do it right. And I'll tell you what, that guy's not putting his hands in my mouth after I heard him and his wife tell Denise Crosby that dressing up as different characters "helps" their relationship. Ecch. Did you get a load of their poor kids, who just sat through the whole thing in their ST uniforms and didn't say a word? I think I see a few sessions with Counselor Troi in their futures. Also interesting -- and by "interesting," I mean "pathetic" -- was Denise Crosby taking us to her garage full of fan memorabilia. She was on the show for what, a year? Granted, she managed to be in the best episode ever, but what's she done since then? Pet Sematary and Pumpkin Man. I'm not even going to go into the framed needlepoint, because what really seared my eyes like lumps of cheap ahi tuna were the charcoal, oil, and ink renditions of Tasha Yar and Data. In flagrante delicto. Detailed renditions, people.

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Star Trek




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