In a last-minute move, the CW network cancelled tonight's episode of Smallville and replaced it with everyone's least favorite show, Lanaville: Special Victim Unit. Lana is stalked by a tenacious photographer who somehow gets inside the castle and takes a creepy cell-phone pic of her. Lana is stalked so often that she manages to multitask when that happens, and uses it as an opportunity to investigate Clark. While Lex is away on business, unaware that Lana's in danger, Lana stays at the Kent farm (what the...!?) and is allowed to stay in Clark's room, where she digs through his stuff. This is after Lana tried to dig through Chloe's computer files for dirt on Clark. Nice friend, right? It turns out that the weird stalker leaving lingerie gifts with murderous notes is not the photographer, but one of the guys on Lex's security team, who kills the photographer as well as another of Lex's men. He talks about wanting to save Lana from Lex and be her boo, which really doesn't jibe with the note he left saying he wants Lana to die, but who said any of this had to make any sense? Security Stalker falls through a rooftop window and dies, but Clark is there to catch Lana when she falls as well. Jimmy and Chloe get back together after Jimmy helps Clark solve the case of the Lana stalking. And in the end, Lex is annoyed that Lana ran to the Kent farm for help, but not so annoyed that he won't hand-deliver a wedding invitation to Clark and say that he wants Clark at the wedding to see what he lost. Now take all of these ingredients, set them to blend at "boring" speed, and you've got Lanaville!
One of the worst videogames of all time is a PC game called Jurassic Park: Trespasser. One of the worst-ever episodes of Smallville is called "Trespass." Coincidence?
We open on a snowy night at Stately Luthor Manor. Hey, maybe this whole episode takes place inside a snow globe! Inside, the camera grazes across some icky tabloid material. The Daily Planet's "Celebrity Watch With Jeanne" section features a big headline: "LEXANA! STALKED." There you go, folks. The name mash-up thing is now canon. Though it's no worse than "Bennifer." The front page of the Inquisitor has a less controversial headline: "The wedding of the year!" There's also a Star Inside magazine with photos of Lex and Lana. Sitting nearby is Lana, running an enormous brush through her hair as she stares into the huge round mirror of her vanity. That brush is almost bigger than she is. Did it belong to a horse? Wearing a light lavender silk robe, Lana pauses from her rigorous hair-brushing to study the open drawer in front of her. Unable to resist even a moment longer, Lana takes out the red hankie and opens it, revealing the bent, twisted chisel (not a screwdriver, it turns out) from last week. "Now," Lana thinks, "if only I could find some twisted, gnarled wood to use this on." Behind Lana and to the right, someone is watching her, as the shaky camera seems to indicate. Lana's cell phone suddenly chimes. Lana opens up her phone, with the very obvious Sprint logo below the screen. It shows a camera-phone picture from that right angle; someone just snapped her good. Lana turns in horror. We see her from the photographer's point of view, but he or she dodges to the side to avoid being seen. Lana's eyes go wide. She stares at the door. She rushes out and into the hall. She turns her back and somehow misses Lex standing right there until she runs right into him. Lex asks what's wrong. "There's someone in the room," Lana whimpers. Oh. Is it Clark? Because you kissed him recently, and maybe he came to your room so that he could kiss you some more. Traitorous tart. A weird Lost-like sound plays as the camera zooms in on Lex's angry face.
Two security guards in suits suddenly materialize and enter Lana's bedroom, guns drawn. Excited 24 music plays as they try, woefully, to secure the room. The younger of the two actually stumbles as he enters the bathroom. "Clear," he says. Is he talking about the water in the toilet bowl? The older guard tells Lex that it's all clear. No blue commode liquid, Mr. Luthor. The squeaky string sounds amp up as Lana takes a step forward. She notices that a window is open, the drapes moving. Awesome, security guys. You didn't notice that? Why don't you guys just take the rest of the day off? "Lex, over there," says Lana. Lex should just fire these guys on the spot. Do their eyes even work? Are they working by antennas on their heads that we can't see? Lana notices the chisel lying on top of the dresser, exposed for the world to see its naked toolness. Lex peeks outside the window. He tells his dudes to check the roof, and then to do a perimeter sweep of the grounds. He tells it to "Brady," who was, after much consideration, given an actual first name. Brady assents, and the two security men take off to bring their incompetence to another level of the mansion. Lana still looks freaked out. Lex asks what the guy looked like. "He was holding a big TV camera! And he kept zooming in on my face! And there were these two executive producers standing behind him, just leering!" Lana actually says that she didn't see the person, but that she could sense that someone was in the room with her. She glances again at the chisel, hoping that Lex won't notice. Lana shivers and asks Lex to close the window. As he does, Lana scrambles to the dresser and puts the chisel away. Lex asks again if she actually saw someone. She says no. Lex says that with all the press attention, it's easy to get a little paranoid. Lana, looking tired, glances at her cell phone before agreeing with Lex. She says that she may have imagined the whole thing. Good one, Lana. The closed captioning shows Lex saying, "Don't worry. This will all be over soon," but those words aren't actually spoken. He simply offers to go downstairs and get Lana some tea. As Lex puts an arm around her and ushers her out of the room (to watch him make tea?), the camera moves to the half-open drawer with the red handkerchief, and the dramatic music amps up. Opening credits.