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Stalk Show Host

Lana's bedroom. She's sleeping. Lex is watching her. Lana wakes up, sees Lex, and smiles instead of screaming. "God, I'm a lucky man," says Lex. Because you get to watch Lana sleep instead of being in bed with her? Lex says that he felt powerless not being able to help her while he was gone. Lana sits up, smiles, and says that everything is all right. Lex says that the security chief at LuthorCorp Plaza says that she never made it there; he asks why. Lana says that she went to the Kent Farm; she had to trust her instincts, as Lex taught her. Lex says that her instincts led her to her ex-boyfriend's house. Lana says that she went there because she thought it was the last place they'd look. It's not like Clark hasn't been in the tabloids or anything. Lex says that's good enough for him. In the old days, it was fantastic for him. Lex says that, above anything else, he trusts Lana: "And I love you." Lana smiles and doesn't reply. Lex leans in to kiss her cheek, and Lana winces as he does it, even though it's not the side of her head with the wound. Wow, she really, really is not into this at all. Run, Lex! Lana smiles again, pretending to love Lex. It's pretty crappy. Lex walks out of the room. Lana, sneakily, gets up and goes to her vanity. She opens the top drawer. The handkerchief and chisel are gone. Lana looks suspiciously toward the door.

The Barnness of Hardlabortude. Clark is sanding down a wooden chair. At normal speed. Lex appears: "Looks like you're working out some issues there." Clark says that he's just doing a little honest work, and suggests that Lex try it sometime. Oh, shut up, you jerkoff. You're just mad that it's taking you more than two minutes to do your chores. "Why start now?" Lex asks. "My life's perfect." Clark asks what Lex wants. Lex holds out his hands, saying he wants nothing, and that he just wanted to take a little sleigh ride down memory lane. Lex points out the place where Clark took Lana after kidnapping her right before he tried to kill Lex. Clark says that he wasn't himself that night. "I'm sorry," he says half-assedly. "You're sorry?" spits Lex. "What, that you didn't finish the job?" He chuckles that he's fuzzy on the details, given that he was being choked to death, but what's fascinating is how, after all that, Lana still felt safe coming to the barn. Clark says glumly that it was her choice, and that he had nothing to do with it. "You never do," says Lex, adding that it's all right -- he understands the allure of trying to unravel the mystery of Clark Kent. "I suffered from it once, too, when I thought you mattered," says Lex, thinking about old times and being super crazy bitchy about lost love. Clark steps forward angrily: "Are we done?" Sadly, they are. Lex seems a bit regretful, and it is the Gayest and Most Wistful Look of the Episode. Lex says that there's nothing left but the formalities. He hands Clark a larger version of the wedding invitation that was sent out, telling Clark not to be so surprised. He says that Lana still cares about Clark. Lex knows that. He knows what it would mean to Lana to have Clark there. How about a big wedding-cake-sized slice of AWKWARD! Worst idea ever. Don't invite exes to your wedding. Just don't. It's bad, bad, bad juju. Clark looks hurt. He asks if that's what Lex really wants. "What I want?" Lex asks. He says he wants to make Lana happy for the rest of her life. He swants Clark there at their wedding day: "To see what you lost." Cold! Lex spins and says, "Make sure you RSVP," as he walks out and defiant alt-crap music plays. Score one for Lex. He totally nailed Clark there. And not even in the sexual way. "We need a headcount for the reception," Lex adds as he walks away. Clark is speechless. Suck on that, Superman.

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