True Blood

Episode Report Card
admin: A+ | 1 USERS: C+
Another Stackhouse Filibuster
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Sookie just loves taking care of people, doesn't she? I'm sure that's all it is. I'm sure taking three hours to sponge-bath every inch of Alcide's gigantic gorgeous frame is just that Southern caregiver Gran-thing in action. No other reason, no sir. She explains to him a bunch of things he already knows, like how that Were he took down last week in that shamefully stupid-looking were-bar was hopped up on V. (Says: "Bill's, in fact, so I know it's strong." Means: "I have a boyfriend! A vampire one! I suck his blood! We have sexual intercourse! You are not basically naked right now!")

Alcide is grossed out by the thought of werewolves doing V, and they talk about how mostly it's just the FUCrew that's into it, which is a problem for Alcide less than the Bill factor (not that Sookie would understand that even if you drew her a diagram) and more because his ex-fiancée Debbie is involved with them. Taking slightly more notice of the mountainous expanse of him, Sookie pries a little about Debbie, a little bit because Alcide is hot but mostly because check it out: Her fiancé disappeared too! So Alcide's relationship concerns have merit!

Debbie moved out a month ago, in what I'm sure was one of those crushing scenes, and he still hasn't gotten new furniture -- a "joke" Sookie can't wait to make -- because he's too busy brooding and I assume working out on what must be quite a punishing schedule. He still gets Debbie news occasionally, from his awesome sister Janice, who owns the place where Debbie gets her hair did. Looking at Janice and Debbie, as we'll be doing later, you wouldn't be amiss thinking that maybe Janice should find a new job. Or maybe work on the monster movies.

Sookie sort of loses track of herself for a second, because of Alcide being so sad and did you know she's so sad and how they are sad together with minimal clothes on, and Alcide looks back at her like, "Trailing your hand around my musculature is not very Florence Nightingale" and she's like, "Um?"

I always thought that the opposite of sexy girl-shaped cars and things should be met by the equal and opposite sexy boy-shaped things, and that this is where SUV's for ladies came from. The Tank Girl approach. So if Pam, let's say, is a Corvette, and boys aren't that weird for putting brassieres on their cars just to make sure you get it, then all women and certain fellas should be driving Range Rovers, and this is because of things like: Alcide.

Alcide looks at her and how pretty she is and how they both lost their affianced and he thinks about kissing her a little bit with his big sad eyes and then the phone rings and she ducks her head like somebody's chucking things at it, things like giant muscles with giant carbon footprints, and runs to answer. This is when things get awful.

Bill takes a while to speak once she answers, and their song starts playing. She asks if he's okay, what with the werewolves and all, and Lorena giggles on the bed, head right-side-front again and looking luxe. He assures Sookie nobody "has him" and that he's just giving up life in Louisiana and leaving Sookie for real. "Shut the fuck up!" says Sookie, because she is awesome this year.

Sookie points out that he just proposed to her like five minutes ago, and he thanks her for not saying yes, and she filibusters to the logical place, that somebody's there listening and he is a hostage or whatever, which gives him entrée to say the meanest thing he can say -- pretty much exactly what he did to Lorena last week, minus the head-grabbing neck-twisting hatefuck -- which is: "Lorena, actually. To whom I have just made love... We fucked like only two vampires can. I didn't hold back for fear of hurting her, like I do with you."

Which is awful on many levels, because first of all you're with the ex, second of all there's no room for maybe because he just said they fucked, third of all there's the racial part of it where Lorena is "real" and Sookie is just this naïve girl who thought she was In On It, fourth of all because of that Edward Cullen thing of fucking you until you are bruised and your bones are broken and how she kind of was always on the edge of that, and fifth -- and most of all -- because it means the whole time they were fucking and it was so romantic and he was knitting her body back together and killing her uncle and wiping her clean and saying he loved her, over and over, and taking it slow, and teaching her how he liked to be touched, and teaching both of them how she liked to be touched, and all the different maps and stories they built up together, as though neither of them had ever known another soul, in fact he was: Never actually there.

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True Blood




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