True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: C+
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Another Stackhouse Filibuster

Bill lies on the bed with his pants still on, although his shirt is now off. He's looking very healthy this season, presumably because he's been drinking real blood for the first time in a long time, especially during his stay at Uncle Rusty's Blood & Breakfast, but the pure nihilism running through his veins probably helps. Lorena, cracking her head back into position at the vanity, assures him it was the best sex she's had in a while. She laughs at him for growling about it, and promises him that was "true passion" at work. He says the only passion going down was about him "killing [his] love for Sookie," which is so perfectly Bill it makes your teeth ache. He can't just do things, it's always this big thing. "Ah am doin' this laundry because mah clothing does not feel clean!"

Bill asks Lorena to leave -- I'm sorry, he tells her to "get the fuck out" -- and she giggles some more. "Oh, William. I'm happy!" She promises he'll love her again, even if it takes forty years of neck-cracking blood-barfing sex to get there, but before she is able to complete this nonsense he throws her out the open door and all the way across the hall, and closes it with his bare hands even though it burns him. (Silver door doesn't matter if he's got clothes and bedsheets, right? Ah, metaphors. They will get you.)

Eric hovers outside Sookie's window: Inside, she's got Alcide curled up chastely on the bed and a million used tissues lying everywhere. Speaking of metaphors. "Cheese and [fries/rice]*!" she squeals, because obviously this is a dream sequence and obviously that's what he thinks she'd say, because his idea of Sookie is even more adorable than this season's Actual Sookie. She asks if all vampires can fly, and he responds by asking if all humans can sing, and I don't think she really understands his point, but anyway she asks him in.

*("Fries" if he's thinking of her as a waitress; "rice" if she's a good Southern home cookin' gal.)

"Turns out [Bill]'s not who I was looking for," she says, and climbs all over him, while the Were sleeps peacefully and occasionally paws at imaginary rabbits. "You smell like the ocean [in/and] winter. How is that possible? Bill doesn't smell like anything." (Again: I can't say whether or not Sookie would ever say anything that dorky, but I'm sure in Eric's head she would, because Eric is dorkier than she is.) The more she says, the more freaked out and amazed by her he gets.

"You played by the North Sea as a child," she whispers, explaining that she can smell his very memories. (To be known, that's the thing Eric wants: For somebody to understand the whole of his life the way Godric used to and Pam is learning. For another love that goes that deep.) "I got skills you can't even dream of, cowboy," she says, and there is some hot kissing, and then Alcide's gone from the bed and she's climbing atop him, body insane, tissues scattered everywhere, all about how smelling memories is nothing compared to whatever.

"You want more?" Sookie says... And turns into stupid boring Yvetta the boring stripper, at whom Eric is staring half-heartedly from his throne. The more we see her face, the prettier she gets. Maybe she'll be a person one of these days. Disappointed on very many levels, he sends her boring ass away, and Pam worries about him.

While the news talks about the Vampire Rights Amendment's impending passing, Alcide's been making breakfast. He asks her about heading back to Bon Temps, since of course she's given up looking for Bill, and she's like, "Have we met? I don't just let shit go." He calls her a doormat and she says she just wants to hear it from Bill's actual mouth, which Alcide thinks is stupid. And he'd be right, if this were real life, but since we're only a third through the season, she's right by being wrong: There's more to the story. Like for example Alcide's hair, which is looking werefabulous this morning.

The filibuster continues, about how maybe he's in trouble and what have you, and Alcide calls this a need for closure, which is always lame and fake and wrong, and Sookie points out that he is being a hypocrite/pulling a Sookie his own self: "Says the man cooking breakfast in a wok because he's too sad to buy a new frying pan!" Sookie demands that he take her to Debbie and Coot's engagement party tonight -- extreme(ly) elegant I'm sure! -- and Alcide assures her that his debt is paid and he's not taking her out to any more Were functions so she can cause more huge problems with her constant crazy behavior.

"I know you're still hurting over Debbie. Seeing her with those creeps might help you get over her." Closure, again. They are peas in a pod. We can only really jerk people around when they're just like us, because we know the tricks. Alcide points out that getting their asses killed at that place is now a foregone conclusion, and invites her to go to the Were bar herself and get eaten if she's that stupid. Oh, says Sookie's face, You have no IDEA how stupid I'm prepared to get.

"Ring ring hooker ring ring!" From now on, if you're leaving me a voicemail, please try to do it Lafayette-style. He explains that, holed up at Sookie's with her suicidal ideations or not, he is now driving one bad-ass automobile courtesy Northman, meaning that now Tara has a car of her own. "That's right, Buddha done did us a 180, he did. Now, why don't you calls a motherfucker back, please? Shiiiiiit." They should do some kind of integrated marketing where Lafayette calls you up every day and says amazing things.

Tara is not available for this call because she is tied up. Literally, on the toilet, in her undies, with duct tape on her mouth. It's a pretty bad date just if they bite you. But once they start hypnotizing you and extorting info about your compatriots and tying you to the toilet and not even bothering to pull your panties down in case you need it while you're on it, I think you can safely say this relationship is not going to last. (Also, the whole vamps v. werewolves rant was, I admit, pretty hypothetical before now, thanks to the sweetness/repression of Mr. Compton, but worth remembering at this point: Last year Tara was out of control and this year control is all she's got, so far.)

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True Blood

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