True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Another Stackhouse Filibuster
he'd make a great waitress ("I used to be the best server at our church pancake night," she says, to put that in our heads for the next scene), and that she's "a vampire, not a fucking idiot." You don't really talk that way to Sam, Jessica. It hurts his feelings. She whisks the first group away and immediately there's Arlene with the bitching: Hostess does not a full-time Arlene's-load lifting employee make, also redheads make good tips, and the whole time Sam's all conciliatory and Arlene's all nuts, and then the hormones reverse themselves and she starts apologizing for being "emotional," but then remembers it's a secret and says she just doesn't want him getting railroaded.

"You let in every stray, Sam. I mean, first that old dog, and then your folks, and now Jessica? I mean, it's your business. It's not a charity." He tells her his parents are not a problem and no matter how adorably wee he is, he can take care of himself, but Terry points out that the Mickenses are still there -- grilling in the parking lot, matter of fact -- and Sam runs off to yell at their trashy asses some more. "One thing's for sure," Terry tells Arlene, with a sweet hand on her arm: "We'll never be as bad of parents as they are." Yeah, I can't see even Arlene doing... Whatever it is that they are doing.

Jessica bumps into the cutest little church boy, named of course "Chip," who is so excited to see her not only because he misses her from Bible study but also because, you know, she died. He shouts about God and praise Jesus and it's a miracle that she's alive, and her glamoured parents will be so happy, and Jessica just stares at him that usual way, like being a vampire is just the worst, and which of the three vampire things she knows how to do are going to take care of this mess. He's too cute to eat, she's not interested in killing him, so it's going to have to be glamour. Poor sweet Chip.

Cal Norris is gross in the show. That is a heartbreaker and I'm going to stop talking about it because who needs the stress, but it's a major bummer. Even though Janice and Debbie are vastly cooler on the show than in the books, so that's something, I always thought one of the neatest tricks Harris did in the books was making you love Calvin. He's like right under Alcide and right above Eric for me, in terms of guys I love in those books. Holding strong at number two, no matter how weird Hotshot gets. And girl it's gonna get weird.

Lafayette is trying to sell Cal some V, and they talk about how Jason busted his little brother last time, and Lafayette is not a cop, and has no interest in infringing on Hotshot dealing territory, but wants to help Cal up his game and diversify: "Help you step up in the world, clean some shit up." Crystal offers to "grab the Dirt Devil from Felton," but one mean glance from Calvin and she slinks off, yelling about how she's not Felton's momma and won't be feeding him any dinner. Alone again with Cal -- whom you may remember as the health inspector that dated Phoebe and made Gunter cry -- Lafayette tries to impress upon him just what a good deal, financially, the stuff is going for. He should introduce them to Pam and then they would act right.

Cal replies, finally, that Hotshot isn't interested in dealing with "people like you," which seems maybe-racist for a sec but you're like, maybe it's a vampire thing, because the next thing Cal does is warn Lafayette to leave: "Son, polite's in short supply around here. It's time you get your ass home." Which seems more than maybe-racist. Outside, they are fucking with his new car, and everybody's yelling, at which point Cal grabs Lafayette around the chest and I think he is all the way racist, and there is also homophobia.

Hoyt comes looking for Jessica because of true love, but then sees her deep in intimate conversation with cute little Chip, and -- because he knows even less about vampires than Jessica does, and because he is Hoyt -- naturally assumes they are to be wed. Really, of course, she's glamouring him and probably doing him all manner of synaptic damage in the process, as he explains that he is only in town on his way back from picketing "the babykiller factory up in Birmingham," and she corrects his story -- sort of loving this, a little bit -- to say that he never stopped at Merlotte's, but kept driving and went home hungry without ever seeing her. He nods sweetly: "I hate being hungry before bed." They laugh sweetly with each other, completely together on that: It is a bad thing, isn't it, to be hungry when you go to bed. Nothing could be simpler.

Eric stops them Hotshotters from totally ruining Lafayette's whole self, holding Cal in the sky by the neck and threatening to kill all his "brother/cousins" before killing Cal. Lafayette, terrified and bruised, starts to see the upside of having a vampire boyfriend. Cal promises they'll sell the V, and Eric drops him. "Let's go, RuPaul," he says, which is just stupid and offensive on every level besides running counter to the actual storyline, being at best a cheap laugh, and they drive away together, Lafayette grinning when the Hotshot boys scatter.

Tara's still wondering why Gollum is all obsessive about Sookie and Bill, and their conversation is awful. He's driving them somewhere far away, and making weird small talk the whole time to distract her. She's still got the bouquet, now dying, between her tied-up palms. Essentially, she is His, I think in the vampire sense or at least in his head, and he loves how tough she is and tastes, and he takes a lot of comfort from their wonderful relationship, and this is work-related, but they are going to be together forever.

Tommy's funny little body goes away while he gets dressed and Sam tries real hard to be nice to him. Sam understands that their parents are bullshit, but wants Tommy to understand that running around stealing is no way to do things, like, sometimes you get deflowered by clawed bull-headed demigoddess priestesses and then they come and stab you and whatever. Bad scenes result. Tommy responds that he has no plan of running away from the Mickenses, because they are worthless individuals whose natural habitat is the gutter, so he's stuck with them until they die. Which Sam would have figured out, given a minute and a few reminders of what families are like, but it doesn't stop him from offering Tommy a place to live that isn't quite so... Grungy-underweary.

Lafayette tries to talk back once Eric starts giving him the dressing-down -- for what, I can't imagine, since he must have no more interest in visiting Hotshot than Sookie secretly is happy about Lou Pine's -- but Eric has a point: "You walk into every situation all flash and fire. You expect them to adapt to you. That's not salesmanship, it's ego." Good advice for life. Possibly to be followed by more, except right then Pam calls from the cellar to tell him Fangtasia! is being raided by the Magister, probably because of Sophie flipping on them, and he quickly finds her downstairs and acts giddy and scary as usual. "This is blasphemy," he says, holding up some V samples. "Take her."

"I know I ain't got no fangs," Lafayette tries to explain, "And I know I can't talk... Whatever language that is you're talking... But I can move your shit," he says, and Eric rolls down the window and vanishes. "Oh hell," Lafayette says, looking up into the sky. "How am I supposed to deal with this fuckedupness?" See? Always something.

Jason stops Andy outside the bathroom and tells Andy it's time for him to become a cop. Andy tells him to apply himself, but Jason's not interested in being Old Jason one more day -- not with Kitch Maynard out there in the world being all hot and awesome. Standing next to Andy's urinal, he tries to get very threatening with Andy, but Andy's not even really hearing him until Jason says fuck the rules because he killed somebody and has to live with it, which means there are no rules at all. Andy points out that pushing Jason through the system is the easiest way to screw everything up for everybody. Jason points out that he's a

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True Blood

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