True Blood

Episode Report Card
admin: A+ | 1 USERS: B+
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Love Is The Plan The Plan Is Death (1973)
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Just a second ago Sookie was in the bathroom of a French restaurant thinking about her options. Should she marry her dead boyfriend of less than two months, given that it was her first relationship of all time and I think illegal, or maybe give it some time until she got over the serial killer and Dionysian cult that had terrorized their town and killed her loved ones in the time that she'd known him? Screw it, she thought, and came running out to go for it. But, sadly, he'd been kidnapped by some No Homo werewolves wearing black gloves, and thus was not there waiting for her answer.

If you thought you'd heard Sookie say his name enough times for your whole entire life, prepare for a surprise, because this episode is basically just her saying " Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel!" at random intervals like a Speak 'N Spell covered in sweet tea. French hostess lady with her egregious accent is no help at all, and pretty much bored, as Sookie runs around the entirety of the beautiful outdoor patio area screaming at her, the sky, inanimate objects. Hostess is like, "Fucking vampires! Always with this shit." No help at all.

Bon Temps people: Sam's driving to Magnolia AR, to see his trashy family; while Jason is running around his house unable to finish a beer or even masturbate, so upset is he about shooting Eggs Talley through the head. Eggs's blood is still soaking through the sheet outside Merlotte's, and his girlfriend Tara is crying in her cousin Lafayette's arms.

Also tonight, Jessica broke up with her human boyfriend Hoyt over the little matter of her biting the shit out of his zombie momma and drinking her zombie blood. Hoyt realized almost immediately that dating a gorgeous dead person like Jessica is still healthier than what he'd been up to, and broke up with his momma. But it was too late, because Jessica was already going JT Leroy on some trucker trash outside of town, which is generally the best way to deal with a breakup, amiright ladies. Of course, she took it too far, and ended up near-killing the poor virgin-loving bastard, so now she's dragging his corpse up the steps to the Old Compton house. But, as Jessica's ADD is wont to do, she still takes a moment to bask in the glory of the bouquet Hoyt left on her doorstep.

Bill's in the car with the No Homos, and Sookie's calling for about the millionth time, so finally the incredibly hot Were that leads this band, Cooter, tosses the phone out the window. Bill is being all kinds of stoic, as usual, but with a higher difficulty rating due to the werewolves alternately stabbing him and silvering him and sucking his fabulous blood. "How about you just call us the Fuck You Crew?" suggests Coot, but I don't think that's very classy. Werewolves, as we shall soon see, are not very classy. But with this show, it's sort of a sliding scale: I'd still invite a werewolf to dine at my home before allowing, say, Arlene to darken my doorstep. Especially if that werewolf were Coot, because damn.

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True Blood

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