True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Love Is The Plan The Plan Is Death (1973)

Lettie Mae's got Reverend Daniels up in Tara's drugged-out ass before Lafayette is even at work, this whole spiel about how social workers from hell introduce you to boyfriends from hell and the pits of hell and how all of this hell business was just about, apparently, God's plan to lead Tara back to Lettie Mae. "Ain't nobody ever gonna get to you again, baby girl. It's just you and me now." Tara's like, "As soon as I sober up, I'm going to commit suicide. It absolutely cannot be Tara Mae and Lettie Mae, ever again, because that means the last two seasons of this show didn't happen, Miss Jeanette and Maryann and Eggs, and I will once again have lost all that ground I gained, and all the pain was worth nothing. Whatever is more dead than stasis and sadder than getting fired every week, that is what you are talking about, and the one person who could have saved me is gone, and the one girl who calls me family, I strangled her last night."

Time to wake up! Bill crawls out of his makeshift grave, while Jessica wakes up next to her dead man, who is stinking up the place and never had a chance of being reborn. The phone rings, but it's not Bill: It's Hoyt! Who is tremble-voiced and so romantic that she pauses, blood smeared across her face, to admit that she misses him too. He starts babbling about his new, shorter haircut -- "I actually think I look kind of badass" -- so cutely and falling-over-himself that he doesn't even hear her apologize or hang up: Just the line going dead. Jessica holds his flowers close, and stares down at her body, and tries to be wise. Oh, Hoyt. Oh, Jessica. Oh, love.

Eric's on his throne, paying the bills, when quests arrive. Magister! In the company of Queen Sophie-Anne, making a call at Fangtasia! and seeing Eric for the first time since the Compton trial for killing Longshadow. Eric shows them proper deference, and when they tell him to shut down the place for the night, he offers to take them to his office. Sophie-Anne grins and admits that the office is bugged, by herself, but puts a shine on it: "It's how I know I can trust you!" Like she bugged his office as a fun experiment in proving his strength of character. Like Pam before her, the Queen takes a shine to Yvetta (WHY?), saying she can stay even after throwing everybody else out. The Magister says even Yvetta has to go.

From Eric's throne: "Trouble abounds in your fair state," the Magister explains. "It would seem your idyllic little home is competing to become the V capital of the world." The Queen acts like she's totally about to like barf about that, and they play a funny little game of acting/not-acting as they discuss the horror of draining. "Our blood is sacred. Wasting it on anything other than procreation is blasphemy," says the Magister, and Sophie-Anne waves one delicate hand perfectly: "Madness." Eric gets in on it: "Desecration." So they all agree it's bad. I like the idea of them having fun with this, but also I think it makes sense: Old-school vamps like the Magister actually do act this ridiculous, they think it's normal, so of course acting like a pompous ass is exactly what they should do. Still, it's weird to watch.

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True Blood

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