Suddenly Awesome Sookie: Spends the whole episode stomping around Louisiana demanding that people find her Bill, who went missing moments after proposing marriage. After a run-in with Pam, she realizes Jessica -- as Bill's vampire daughter -- can track him. She doesn't really do anything, but instead of that being annoying, it sort of makes her the most awesome person of the episode. She just yells! About this and that! At every other character in turn!
Suddenly Hot Bill: Has been kidnapped by V-addict weres for unknown reasons, before he finally takes them out and ends up alone and shirtless in Mississippi, where he has a heart-warming moment with an old lady-slash-lunch and gets into it with a bunch of wolves. He has never been hotter in the entire series, whether sweating out a violently homoerotic car-ride with some MMA werewolves or politely apologizing for eating an old lady.
Suddenly Superstar Pam: Has attacked her "regular player" status with relish, talking Eric down from weird Bill-related mood swings and carrying out Sophie Anne's secret drug-dealing scheme with equal élan. Best line of the night, actually, goes to Pam (via Sookie): "I'm in no mood for lesbian weirdness tonight, Pam. Where's Beel?"
Suddenly Out-Of-Control Eric: Spends the majority of the episode showing off his backside and getting weirdly emotional about Bill's disappearance, more than likely reacting to his weird connection to Sookie but definitely freaking out Pam. By the time sexy Magister and loony Queen Sophie show up, he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, but by episode's end he's basically managed to get himself together. He's basically his usual fucking perfect self, but with an edge of hysteria that seems to be related to his drug-dealing scheme with Sophie Anne, but may well be due more to his Sookie thing.
Suddenly Impotent Jason: Takes his issues to the next level, after trying to make Vampire Eddie and Steve Newlin be his daddy, and attaches to Andy Bellefleur like a duck to its mommy. Once Andy takes the credit for murdering Eggs and hotfoots it over to Jason's house to tell him to get back to bonin' hos and generally acting idiotic, he tries, but not even a threesome with two semi-cute NYU girls -- much less wingmanning with hot new roomie Hoyt Fortenberry -- can stop him from seeing bullet holes in everybody's heads. He's as adorably fucked-up as usual, but his newfound compassion and need to be a good man-father-husband type person can't help but fail with Andy as his role model -- no matter how much better a man Andy already is for it. Mostly it's just interesting to see him take his performance as the Stud Of Renard Parish, which has always been a performance, and actually be forced to make it a performance.
Same Exact Arlene & Terry: Arlene is fucking disgusting as usual, but pregnant with Terry's orgy baby, which is cute. Terry is nuts as usual, but finds the time to give some beautiful calming speeches that are neither helpful nor relevant. Obviously neither of them is capable of communicating in any real way, so this is all back-burnered. Second best line of the night, to Tara: "I'm sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, all right? But honestly, who here hasn't?" (Followed and preceded by her usual racist bullshit.)
Suddenly Semi-Psycho Jessica: Can't get her vampire ADD under control to process how scared she is at having probably killed a dude, her weird psychic screams from kidnapped Bill, her excitement that Sookie and Bill might be engaged, her romantic delight that Hoyt is trying to reconcile, or her disappointment and fear that her first attempt at not murdering somebody almost results in turning a man into a vampire.
Suddenly Interesting Sam: Has the hottest fucking morningwood dream about Bill you ever saw -- based on their own blood-bond -- before waking up to track down the Mickens family of his birth, starting with his liar of a little brother, who is no help at all.
Suddenly Suicidal Tara: Is doing okay, as long as she can believe that Eggs wasn't a serial killer. But once Sookie confirms that he was the heart-cutter-outer from last year -- and more importantly reminds Tara of the horrible violation she and Bill perpetrated on Tara last year* -- Tara goes insane. Lafayette finally calls her dumb mom, reactivating all his own mommy issues in the process, and Tara hangs around for her Jesus nonsense just long enough to sneak off and try to kill herself in his bathroom.
* Remember two years ago when we said killing the little demon girl was disgusting and a violation, and you didn't believe me, and eventually we got Maryanne? Last season, the only thing that offended me on that level was when Sookie and Bill psychic-glamoured Tara. So the fact that she pretty much tries to murder Sookie this episode for awakening Eggs's memories, coupled with multiple characters' monologues about how sometimes knowing the truth is the worst thing that can happen, tells me we'll be dealing with the fallout from that particular disgusting piece of business all season. Hopefully Tara will get the opportunity to punch both Bill and Sookie a few more times before it's resolved.
What's Next? We'll find out why the werewolves kidnapped Bill, what Eric's plan was for him, what's actually going on in Mississippi, whether Sam's family is as horrible as they say, whether Lafayette can sell his huge amount of V in time to satisfy Pam, whether Jessica can take care of the human corpse in her house in time to reconcile with Hoyt, what's going on with Jason's penis now, and whether Sookie is ever going to calm the hell down. Thinking not -- but for the first time, that seems like a good thing. Even better thing? If Sam's sex dreams about Bill become a weekly feature.
Check out the sex and violence meter for this episode of True Blood.
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Just a second ago Sookie was in the bathroom of a French restaurant thinking about her options. Should she marry her dead boyfriend of less than two months, given that it was her first relationship of all time and I think illegal, or maybe give it some time until she got over the serial killer and Dionysian cult that had terrorized their town and killed her loved ones in the time that she'd known him? Screw it, she thought, and came running out to go for it. But, sadly, he'd been kidnapped by some No Homo werewolves wearing black gloves, and thus was not there waiting for her answer.
If you thought you'd heard Sookie say his name enough times for your whole entire life, prepare for a surprise, because this episode is basically just her saying " Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel!" at random intervals like a Speak 'N Spell covered in sweet tea. French hostess lady with her egregious accent is no help at all, and pretty much bored, as Sookie runs around the entirety of the beautiful outdoor patio area screaming at her, the sky, inanimate objects. Hostess is like, "Fucking vampires! Always with this shit." No help at all.
Bon Temps people: Sam's driving to Magnolia AR, to see his trashy family; while Jason is running around his house unable to finish a beer or even masturbate, so upset is he about shooting Eggs Talley through the head. Eggs's blood is still soaking through the sheet outside Merlotte's, and his girlfriend Tara is crying in her cousin Lafayette's arms.
Also tonight, Jessica broke up with her human boyfriend Hoyt over the little matter of her biting the shit out of his zombie momma and drinking her zombie blood. Hoyt realized almost immediately that dating a gorgeous dead person like Jessica is still healthier than what he'd been up to, and broke up with his momma. But it was too late, because Jessica was already going JT Leroy on some trucker trash outside of town, which is generally the best way to deal with a breakup, amiright ladies. Of course, she took it too far, and ended up near-killing the poor virgin-loving bastard, so now she's dragging his corpse up the steps to the Old Compton house. But, as Jessica's ADD is wont to do, she still takes a moment to bask in the glory of the bouquet Hoyt left on her doorstep.
Bill's in the car with the No Homos, and Sookie's calling for about the millionth time, so finally the incredibly hot Were that leads this band, Cooter, tosses the phone out the window. Bill is being all kinds of stoic, as usual, but with a higher difficulty rating due to the werewolves alternately stabbing him and silvering him and sucking his fabulous blood. "How about you just call us the Fuck You Crew?" suggests Coot, but I don't think that's very classy. Werewolves, as we shall soon see, are not very classy. But with this show, it's sort of a sliding scale: I'd still invite a werewolf to dine at my home before allowing, say, Arlene to darken my doorstep. Especially if that werewolf were Coot, because damn.