To his worried, impatient smile, she can only say this: "I've dreamed of this since I was a girl. And in my dreams, I always say yes." So? "Then why can't I say it?" He doesn't pout, exactly, but he has reason to be upset here. And I mean, it's sort of early, but they are very much in love, and she was the one who laughed about it last year (two weeks ago) when Arlene asked her if they were going to tie the knot, not to mention the fact that he could have been planning this all season and that was one of the reasons he was so bitchy about the Dallas trip. I mean, the timing is realistically weird, but these people don't actually get a second to do anything normal. "My heart's flying around in my chest. I can't even think straight. My life's inside-out. With all that's happened, I'm not sure about anything." Oh, now he's nearly crying too. "I don't even know if I'm human..."
Heh. Bill's like, "Wait, what?" She talks about how she's only ever met Barry, and he was mean -- not that she noticed -- and so what about that, and then she starts crying because of what Hugo said, about her getting old and weak and he's still Bill. She goes into full-on ugly crying mode at this point, which always really gets to me, and for once it's Bill who tosses his heels up in the air and is like, "Let's live for the moment!" ("Especially before Eric does some other trick!") "I want you just as you are," he protests, and she responds quite honestly that she doesn't know who/what the hell that even is, which is when most young women do make their first-marriage mistake after all, so she runs to the bathroom to clean up and have a quick think. Poor old Bill looks destroyed.
In the bathroom, she stares at the wall and weighs it out. It's gross: what if she's losing it, what if this is her chance and she's throwing it away? But isn't that just desperation? Are they settling for each other? What if there's something better? What if behind Bill, even behind Sam and Eric, there's something better? How young is old enough to know what you want? Can she be that girl? Can she be that fangbanger girl, and go to Vermont, and let them take her picture, get political, come back here to this shitty town? Can she look Eric in the eye if she does that? Would that kill her? Would Sam even come to the wedding? How drunk is Jason going to get? It clashes in her mind; it is rough music.
Bill sits at the table, feeling a peculiar ache. All these gifts she's given him, this new life and heart, she could take them away. He's fought for her life and cries tears of blood for her pain, but never this: She could walk out of this room with his heart in her hands, and he wouldn't have a word to say about it. That electricity that tickles, a dead circuit. The silence would press in, push him down, and she would be gone. And there would be nothing, ever again. He would die away and become part of the past, and her life in the sun could begin.