Get this shit right here: "I went to Wellesley. I was supposed to do pre-law, but I said screw it and I studied philosophy instead. And that pissed the parental units off bigtime. As if the meaning of life's just irrelevant, right?" Amy, you dickhole. Jason's like, "I got two years at Vo-Tech, studying ... landscape technology." (You know what's closer to the meaning of life than philosophy? Landscape technology. Diogenes said that we should all just act like Jason Stackhouse all the time and everything would be okay. True story. Then, he jacked off in the agora, which is old-timey for mall.)

"I couldn't take anymore of that artificial lockjaw lifestyle, so I hit the road." Jason of course thinks of rabies in this context, because he's authentically retarded, and she explains Connecticut Lockjaw to him, lighting a candle. "Amy, please tell me you're not having sex with that disgusting man." It's hilarious, because literally everything -- even the metric tons of bullshit here -- that comes out of Lizzy Caplan is hilarious, because she is a real-life wizard from Hogwarts. "People who talk that way around here don't want anyone to know they got their teeth knocked out," Jason authentics all over himself, and she's like, time to set the mood. Candles and Sarah McLachlan or some shit, I knew it. Fuck a buncha wanna-Blessed-Be bullshit. Nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister of the Dark Ones. "Where are your CDs?" she asks -- like people have CDs! I'm so sure! -- and he's like WHERE ARE THE DRUGS and she's all, "your space here is so unselfconscious, so off the grid, your parents being dead is so authentic, I love history because things are so fucked up now, and if you get me drunk or coked up at a party I will start talking about Armageddon, Ragnarok, 2012, Terrence McKenna, anything to imagine the relief of the world ending, no more worries and no more trying to figure out if I'm a grownup yet" and he's like WHERE THE DRUGS AT and she's like, "Your parents are part of Gaia, do you know what Gaia is?" He's like, "Totally. That's when I show my wiener on the webcam."