In which the question becomes, How does my wordy-ass self manage to talk about this episode without just telling you every single thing that happened in an avalanche of breathless crazy talk? And the answer is, there is no way.

Luckily, Sookie does nothing the entire episode but fuck the shit out of Eric on every surface of her entire house and most of Bon Temps Louisiana, so that takes her out of the equation. There's one tiny conversation where Eric gets her to admit that maybe she'll be into him when he turns back into a jackass, and then they hope really hard that she'll be able to do it, but other than that it's just Fuck City. Which is fine too.

The Jesus and Lafayette essentials are, like we thought, that Lala -- like his nutty mommy before him, Marnie and maybe Baby Mike -- is a big medium, whose possession by Tio Luca momentarily gave him the witchy ability to talk you out of dying by rattlesnake bite. Back home, newfound witchdom lets him see Devil Baby Mike's voodoo friend, which: Who is she? I think an ancestor of Rene. There's got to be some kind of antidote to Arlene's "genes are destiny" thing, right?

Astonishingly, it takes all of three seconds for Sam and Luna to figure out Tommy's a Skinwalker, and less time than that for Sam to go all Slicked-Back Sam on his brother and kick him out into the street. Understandable, but trying to strangle your doppelganger -- especially one who loves you more than anything on Earth and has nobody and nothing else -- is not the wisest move.

Speaking of supernatural (amounts of) codependence, we see Debbie and Alcide's initiation into the Shrevepack. When the delightful duo accidentally walk in on Eric and Sookie's fuckfest Debbie gets some serious whiskey dick and decides Alcide is in love with Sookie. He protests, but Debbie's seen this show before so she knows it was only a matter of time. It's heartbreaking because she's actually worried about Sookie before that moment, like: Every awesome thing she does that shows she's trying means it's going to hurt twice as much when she finally dives off the wagon and into crazy.

With the boys still working their way back to Bon Temps, Tara becomes sort of Marntonia's first lieutenant. Which is fine, because she's twice as pissed after Pam's revenge move gets derailed by Fangtasia!-type lookyloos with cell phones and she threatens them both super hard. Tara sends Naomi away and resolves to kill off Toni forever, just to contain the total threat that even knowing her represents, then goes on an old-school Tara Bender that's interrupted by Marnie, who plays the vampire/rape card immediately (and plays on Tara's anger/militancy in an... eerily familiar way).

Jason has to deal with Hoyt's many feelings alone, because Jessica's off with Daddy Bill -- Hoyt still more fixated on how his BFF got raped -- so Jason just spends the night being twitchy about his feelings for his best friend's girl while Hoyt is totally trying to connect. That shit is just getting worse, and worse, and more equilateral, all the time.

Where's Jessica? Oh, girl. Watching her suffer is the very worst thing on earth, it's like if Willow Rosenberg wasn't a terrible person is how hard it is to watch. See, Marntonia's cliffhanger last week becomes spookiness as she glamours Spy Katie through Luis, then gets him to shoot Bill in the chest. (He recovers and says many speeches, don't worry). So now the Witch War is upon us, and he tells the Sheriffs that everybody in their immediate circle -- including Jess -- needs to chain themselves up with silver the next day so they don't all accidentally walk out into the sunlight.

I don't know about you, but I thought he was being a drama queen! It's Bill, of course he was, but he was also right this time: Tara recruits Holly and other witches back into Marnie's Army, and it's all tied up in weird second-wave coded feminism stuff about rape and whatever, but they do a good job bringing it home without the metaphors getting too weird or gross. Like, if you thought vampires were the bad guys, now they're pretty much the victims... But if you thought the witches were being stupid, now you kind of have to hand it to them that vampires suck. Rousseauist asymmetry gives way to guerilla warfare and the witches literally Take Back The Night, with a Marnie speech that made me cheer almost as much as Russell's TV attack rant that time with the heart.

In the end, Antonia's circle wastes not a day chanting those vamps out into the sun, so in the hugest Rule 34 moment of all time, Ginger silvers Pam to stay put, Sookie ties up Eric, and Bill supervises Jessica's and his own binding. (You know how little patience I have for kink, but the fanfiction doomsday clock went well past midnight and into morning during all that business.) And, because of Bill's guilt about and love for Jessica -- during a tidy/horrific little metaphorical gloss on her living relationship with her original shitty dad -- she's not as restrained as she should be. So the episode ends with Eric screaming in his cubby, Ginger riding Pam's bucking coffin downstairs as she tries to escape, and Bill pleading with Jessica as her Maker to let him join her outside, while Jason tries to run to her rescue and gets into a shootout with the King's SWAT team... And Jessica greets the sun.

Next week: The Witch War pauses for parley between Bill and Antonia, we find out whether Jason saves Jessica (which: duh, you've seen a television show before), and Sookie ... probably continues to fuck her brains out. At this point, who could blame her.