True Blood
Don’t You Feel Me?

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 117 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Soft Breath, Beating Heart
Sam: "That seems fair."
Nicole: "I wish that I had gone to a vocational school instead of letting a liberal arts education fill my brain with all this nonsense about equality. That did not work out for me."

They beat it. Sam opens a bar in Alaska called Shmerlotte's and Nicole starts a social justice Tumblr that wins all the awards for being fuckin' annoying, then one full moon she turns into a werewolf and eats Sam's entire body starting with his beautiful face, and that's the end of Sam. Rest in sexy pieces, Mr. Merlotte.

Nicole is forced by her convictions to "come out" to every single person she comes across, and eventually somebody shoots her one million times with silver bullets. Not because she is a werewolf, but because she sucks. They simply cannot take it anymore.

Back at the gas station, Alcide's dad hangs around staring, because that is his favorite thing to always be doing at all times. Just staring, feeling wolfy feelings, being a drunk or inveterate gambler or whatever his deal is on this show.

Alcide: "Why are you even here, Dad?"
Dad: "Nobody knows."
Alcide: "What am I even doing here? What was this whole thing about?"
Dad: "Nobody cares."
Alcide: "What happens next?"
Dad: "I'm guessing it involves your shirt coming off, or else you'll be living solely on your ice cream money next year. Moral of the story, don't be a werewolf on this show unless you are Martha, because you will end up a assmunch."

COMPTON LABS

I love how the first thing Bill always does when he gets back from Blood Heaven is turn on the TV with his mind powers. I like how that's a thing. Before his eyes even open: Click, let's see how the pogrom is progressing. I wasn't even that much of a news junkie when Paul Ryan kept popping up on Morning Joe last year. Sure, I'd get up at five for that shit, but I'd always turn the TV on manually, instead of with my telekinesis. Shown up once again by the elegant Bill Compton.

On the news we are finally getting back to that thread about the Governor opening up a new TruBlood factory, obviously now with bonus Hep V in every bottle, because that's where this was always headed, ever since that conversation he had a month ago for us and like two days ago for him. "So refreshing! And now with an extra taste of my insides dying, to give it that kick." He promises an end to the curfew, and a special price-discount to lure in those re-addicted customers who remember how shitty it tastes. He's thought of everything!

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True Blood

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