True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Sex On Fire

Nerdstache touches Eric's leg, and without even blinking Eric kicks his body high into the air; he breaks a table as he's going down, and the vampires all get hungry from the blood; even the go-go dancers get so super zoomy. The bar becomes uglier, and darker; a girl who's like the ghost of the girl Shirley Manson wanted to be fifteen years ago appears. "Hi, I'm Taryn," she says. Bill seems both ashamed and a little bit excited about blowing Sookie's mind with all this sudden bizarre vampire shit: "Still think you're in Disneyworld?" And across the floor, Taryn picks up baldy-nerd right off the floor. Five second rule!

The trauma care doctor takes Jason's vitals while Tara watches -- shining a light in the eyes of her male companion, I mean to say -- and asks Jason if he's done any drugs, which is to say, asks Jason what kind of drugs he's on. Jason sits there adorably kicking his feet with a huge boner ever-so-slightly grazing his chin and lies through his teeth. When the doctor gets to the V, he throws a hissy fit and makes a hilarious "augh" face at Tara, like, how gross is the doctor for even thinking of that? I don't think I've ever seen such a fine bad-at-lying person in all my years. I could watch him incompetently lie all day, it's hilarious. The doctor knows exactly what's going on, and finally just pulls the sheet up. He shines a light between Jason's legs -- the blood flows more freely down there -- and looks at it. "Oh, boy! Sure glad I'm not you. That looks kind of like an eggplant, what with that color and the way it's all swollen up at the end." Tara comes close to barfing.

"Ordinarily, we like to treat this in stages. First and least radical being an injection of anti-inflammatory drugs into the penis." Jason laughs that the least radical thing involves sticking a needle in his best feature, but the doctor clears up right away that Jason's past that point. "In my opinion, we need to aspirate." Jason stares at him, and he's like, "I need to drain the blood out of your penis." A baby starts crying, somewhere in the hospital, as Jason's eyes go wide. Maybe it's his dick, I don't know.

The doctor gets the needle ready and Tara takes off, but Jason grabs her. "Look, I will admit to sometimes having a sick curiosity about medical shit, but I ain't that fucking curious." He grabs her again, in tears, and begs her to stay with him. Tara says she'll never be the same after this, and he's like, "Tell me about it."

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True Blood

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