BTPD

Is there anything sadder than a Bon Temps press conference? It's like if the Onion columnists were real and thought they were journalists.

Q: "Is it true that Barack Obama is actually behind the recent unsolved shootings and the kidnapping of a local vampire?"
A: "No. The President of the United States is not actually in Renard Parish shooting and kidnapping people..."
Q: "This hate group. They kidnapped a vampire, but they've also been linked to a double homicide in Monroe and a shooting outside Shreveport. Those victims were human, so what's the connection?"
A: "Right, because it went so well when vampires came out of the coffin. I'm not going to bother talking to you about shifters right now. They are so dumb, anyway."

Sam: "Luna and I smelled that basement some more and smelled pig shit, if that helps."
Andy: "I don't want to be in another pig storyline. I spent an entire season just wandering around saying that word, I won't have it."
Sam: "Okay, but can I be a pretend cop some more like all season?"
Andy: "No, you may not."
Sam: "Can I tell the reporters about shifters? We're kind of confusing."
Andy: "No, you may not."
Sam: "Feminism!"
Andy: "It doesn't actually work like that."

Luna: "This Southern paternalism, even for a girl of exotic extraction like myself, can be a bit of a curveball sometimes."
Sam: "You're telling me. Let's use our magic powers and not worry about it."
Luna: "I didn't think of that. Why don't we ever think of that on this show?"

MERLOTTE'S

Patrick: "Arlene, you're my hostage. Shiver and whine and be useless."
Arlene: "Check. I was already doing that."
Patrick: "Who else is working today?"
Arlene: "Just Lafayette, apparently. Sookie's getting herself kidnapped, Big John who knows, I'm here being a hostage, Holly is adrift in the ennui of her sad life, and Sam is off fucking with the police."
Patrick: "Call Lafayette and tell him to stay home."
Arlene: "Lafayette, you're shifty and lazy like the rest of your people. But this time it works out, because Sam closed down the bar for the day. What? No, everything's fine. No, why would I be upset? Oh, that? The highly trained military killer that you told to kill my husband? Nonsense. Just go smoke your doobies and I'll see you tomorrow."