"I have to know what you are, or else I can't protect you!" Um, okay Young Master Cullen, thanks for leaving me out of that equation entirely. "But you have to trust me. And stop thinking of me as a thing to be protected!" Just because I continually get myself into situations that doom not only myself but everyone in the entire world, usually by yelling and stomping around! Sookie says she's going dark: "I took care of Debbie by myself. I'm not afraid to spill a little blood anymore. As much as you want to be human... I think I'm meeting you halfway to vampire."

(Ha! We always used to say that about Buffy and Spike, that she was the worst Slayer in history and he was the worst at being a vampire -- which he was, until Bill Compton -- and that was why they got along so well. But what's "halfway" to vampire? Godric. I would say Godric is the only one that's gotten the mix right. And Jessica, I would have said once, before Bill's repression/oppression cycle started pushing her towards Crazytown, which is the last stop before being very good at being a vampire, which is not a great thing to be either. I still have faith in Jessica, though, because she's part of the first generation after the Great Revelation, she's never known a world in which vampires were a disgusting secret, which see above re: Talbot and his place in generational gay culture.)

When your mentally ill knife-wielding mother is asleep in the next room, generally that's the best time for a post-game afterglow meeting with your new naked boyfriend. Let's put on sparkly robes and drink some tea and flirt. I don't mind. Lafayette and Jesus do a schticky little routine about how to get tricks out of your house and then cozy up on the couch. Lafayette admires Jesus's "ink" and Jesus maybe does or maybe does not admit that it's either a sacred mark tying him to the Olmecs and Mayan worship of Jaguar ("He's strong and elusive. He holds power over the universe.") or a high school mascot.

Man, hurry up. It's starting to feel like we're throwing the syncretist New World book at Jesus to see what sticks. Next week it'll be the Great Turtle Spirit talking to them through Ted Casablancas and a wendigo and the chupacabra and El-Ahrairah and Lynn Andrews will be fighting each other in the yard. Jesus's dead daughter Beloved will show up and start eating sticks of butter. Meantime, Lafayette kisses the Jaguar. That part's not so bad.