Oh, before I forget: Three very important things I forgot or just totally missed last week.
Number One: Tommy "Merlotte." As in, "I have changed my name, family and allegiance to my brother Sam." Caught that the first time, totally forgot about it the next times, presumably due to looking at Hoyt Fortenberry.
Number Two: Hadley's neck. Which was bitten, and slightly bleeding, when Eric grabbed her outside the Queen's quarters and sent her to Sookie's house. Of course she's still human and Eric didn't turn her, but it was confirmation of the fact that I just completely missed, presumably due to looking for Sophie-Anne to be more than a disembodied voice.
Number Three: Maybe a thing maybe not, but is it possible that Jessica -- whose sexual obstacles are very real and tie into both physical vampire things and pre-death family things -- has found a way around all the sex stuff? The death of Swayze Wolf (even precluding its juxtaposition with the Sookie/Bill grudge fuck) was patently sexual in nature. Is being a vampiric penetrator Jessica's paraphiliac way of engaging with her sexuality in a way that doesn't brush up against the whole hymen/Eden situation? Is this something that can/should be avoided? Is this something innate in either her vampire nature or a consequence of being born a Hamby? Because if so, and probably regardless, Bill's trouble is only beginning. Our boy does not do well with the whole Eros & Thanatos thing.
Anyway, Bill and Sookie are back to being sucky and boring again. It was fun while it lasted. They have some of that healing vampiric shower sex and clean up the werewolf bodies. Sookie wonders about the secret files he's keeping on her, but not to any real extent. Hadley kidnaps her own son Hunter and brings her to Sookie to confirm that he's a telepath, then takes him on the run because the Queen and Russell are... Mean, or something. To telepaths? I dunno, it's less clear than ever what Hadley knows about their family, which is weird because Eric acted like it was a big deal but it seems like Hadley doesn't know as much as we thought. Anyway, Bill wakes up in Fairyland, has a little fight with Claudine, and now knows What Sookie Is.
While Tara rejects the idea of psychotherapy in her particular case, which is hilarious, Sam cares for her and she eventually attends a trauma survivors' meeting run by Holly Cleary, whose history is pretty horrific. (Tara! Making friends with Holly! Magic powers! No possums please!) Other people Holly is totally chill with include: Everyone. Especially Arlene, who would like to not be pregnant with her serial killer baby but also refuses to terminate the pregnancy, because she is moronic trash. Apparently there's a third option. I think it's witchcraft. And then out of nowhere Franklin Mott reappears, obsessive and adoring and murderous as usual, and Tara tells him off, awesomely, and then also out of nowhere Jason appears and finishes him off for good.
Crystal and Jason have all manner of white trash adventures, as is their wont. They beat Felton's head in with a gun and then report him for carrying V; this results in the hospitalization of Deputy Kevin, which is kinda sad, and Crystal's cousin T-Face or whatever spots her in the police station. Jason prods Andy into some random plan to raid Hotshot some more, which can only end in more injured cops and Jason crying. Meanwhile, how come Andy's stashing V instead of putting it in evidence?
In Bon Temps news: Tommy Mickens Merlotte is a rascal! He fucks ladies, runs around nude with his cute little Hobbit body showing, yells at Arlene and steals her tips, and generally makes Sam's life shittier and complicateder. Eventually Sam's so steamed and caged up by it that he takes it out on Calvin Norris's face and person. It's dark and scary and sort of hot. Nearby, Hoyt admits to Jessica that he hates Summer, but it's Tommy that comforts her after their sweet, sad reunion. Oh, and if you're making a list of hipster cultural pomo references regarding Jesus, he's got an Olmec/Maya tattoo of Jaguar that may actually just be his high school mascot. Lafayette admits to his mom that he's dropped his "mask," thanks to the healing love of Jesus.
After a very sinister webcam conference with the Authority, Nan Flanagan tells Eric to kill Russell, thus keeping the American Vampire League's collective hands clean. Eric and Pam have some sweet scenes locked up in Fangtasia! by Nan's goons, and he gives her leave to make a child of her own. (Also, Eric is a Virgo. Shocker there.)
Meanwhile, Russell is going all kinds of Jackie O about the bits of Talbot, and by the end he's lost it: Carrying a huge glass urn of Talbot's remains and having conversations with it. He sees the Authority vehicles around Fangtasia! and assumes that Eric's in league with them. So it is that Nan's gettin' her lesbian fangbang on when Russell appears on the live news and pulls out the anchor's spine -- for starters -- before talking just awesomely about how vampires are killers of people and drinkers of the Real True Blood and how the VRA is a lie and the AVL is an absurd machine and he's the only real vampire and also the evil of fossil fuels: "Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you. After we eat your children. Now, time for the weather. Tiffany?"
Well, I guess Eric finally figured out that he has been edging up to the edge for awhile and now has edged right over it. Was this his great plan? It seems like there were a lot of moving parts but really it was just him covering his ass? Well, I guess it makes sense: He needed to save Pam and he was willing to do whatever it took with Russell and Sophie-Anne. Then he figured out about the crown, and once Pam was safe he dealt with that issue. So it seems Eric's story was, just like Talbot's, less complex than we might have hoped. Although I'm still confused about why he dicked Bill around so much the whole time. I think I'm still missing something.
Anyway, Eric camera-zooms into the Fangtasia! offices and tells Pam they need somewhere to hide. Pam immediately steps over that whole paragraph up there, because she knows that Eric doesn't hide from anything, so obviously it's a big deal. What's the big deal? He killed Talbot. She's like, "Are you insane?" This is because Pam never met Talbot, or else she would just applaud.
Pam immediately thinks of running to Sookie's house, but in a very Pam way: "We've both been invited into Sookie's," she says. Not "I'm sure Sookie would love to help us" or "Perhaps Sookie can forgive you for whatever she was yelling about that one time, she seems reasonable," but: Who cares if the bitch wants us there, we're vampires and it's a place we can go. Eric, of course, wants Sookie safe -- and probably also doesn't want her screaming at him in front of Pam -- so he's like, no way. Pam returns to freaking out about the fact and very idea that Eric is freaking out. Should she be panicking?
More to the point: What on earth would Pam panicking even look like? How could you even tell? Her jokes would be slightly less funny and mean? Maybe she would quiver a bit?
Ginger's dumb ass comes in looking a great deal less busted than usual, but before Eric can wangle an invite into her no-doubt five-star accommodations, she alerts them to the "V-Feds" coming in the front door as we speak: Darth Flanagan, accompanied by about ten stormtroopers and an air of total meanness. Eric shivers and tells her the bar's closed, and Nan party-line lies about how she only drinks TruBlood, which makes Pam roll her eyes both for the hypocrisy and for the fact that she's just being rude with her implications. Like Claudine before her, she asks if it's even possible for him to stay out of trouble.
"The VRA is two states away from ratification, I should be kissing asses in Oregon, not cleaning up after you in ... fucking Louisiana." He says there's nothing going on -- even though he still has not officially fixed either the drug problem or the Bill disappearance, and it's not like the Magister called to tell her as he was dying ("Oh, and while I've got you on the phone, send some wedding gifts to Louisiana and Mississippi, I think they're registered at Bloodbath & Beyond") -- but she's like, "Also the Magister has vanished." So then she tells Alejandro and the rest of her Lady Gaga backup stormtroopers to silver Eric, so then you got screaming Eric on top of everything else. Oh, and screaming Ginger, but you knew that was coming the second she showed up.