Tune in next week for that revelation. Meanwhile, Nan's eating the femoral artery, among other things, of a sexy young lady in the limo -- "Oh, Miss Flanagan!" gasps the enraptured fangbanger, hilariously -- on the way to the airport for her Portland speech, when something catches her eye on the TV. What is it? Oh, just Russell eating his way through a news station on live TV, plunging his hand through the back of the on-camera talent and coming away with his spine, before delivering a super scary, super wonderful, super amazing, game-changing, politically combustible rant. He comes off about half scary, half like a kooky crank, and 100% awesome.
"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Russell Edgington, and I have been a vampire for nearly 3000 years. Now, the American Vampire League wishes to perpetrate the notion that we are just like you, and I suppose in a few small ways we are. We're narcissists. We care only about getting what we want, no matter what the cost, just like you. Global warming, perpetual war, toxic waste, child labor, torture, genocide. That's a small price to pay for your SUVs and your flat-screen TVs, your blood diamonds, your designer jeans, your absurd, garish McMansions!"
Gesturing wildly with a piece of spine; throwing stones in the glass McMansion for sure.
"Futile symbols of permanence to quell your... Quivering, spineless [!] souls."
He tosses the spine behind him and crosses his fingers: One hand clean, one hand covered in innocent blood.
"...But no. In the end we are nothing like you. We are... Immortal. Because we drink the true blood, blood that is living, organic and human. Mmm. And that is the truth the AVL wishes to conceal from you. Because let's face it, eating people is a tough sell these days. So they put on their friendly faces to pass their beloved VRA, but make no mistake, mine is the true face of vampires!"
This is the best bit. Quiet and slow, and something most of us have wanted to say on TV at some point:
"Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you, after we eat your children.
How embarrassing. Or I guess I mean, Fuck Authority. Preferably in the romantic sense.
"Now," he says, turning a smile off-camera. "Time for the weather. Tiffany?"
And just like that the whole world changes.
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